When love comes knocking again, what hinders a single parent from getting into a new relationship?

#1 She fears that her new partner may accept her, but not her child.

Before considering dating again and the possibility of coming into a relationship, the big question a single parent asks, first and foremost, is: “Will my partner accept my child?” As a responsible parent, she cannot afford to think of only herself; she must also consider the dynamics that the child’s person brings into the budding romance.

#2 She fears she will be haunted by her past.

Aside from the issue of the child, her past relationship is another story. Single parents have varied reasons and experiences that led them to their status. Due to shared custody or visitation rights, some single moms may still be in communication with the father of their child. On the other hand, some only keep civil relations with their exes, and a number choose not to be in contact at all. Whatever the case, single parents should set boundaries and be clear on the role each parent plays. Sometimes, the conflict arises when the ex and the new partner are not sure where they stand.

#3 She is not sure if her child will welcome the new relationship.

Inevitably, a single parent’s actions will affect her child. Expect that when a new person comes into the picture, a child will worry about sharing his mom with a “stranger.” Most likely, there will be some resistance and he will not readily approve of his mom’s new partner. The parent must prepare the child and assure him that no love will be lost between them. She must also be honest about the new relationship, as denying it or delaying a discussion may make the child feel betrayed.

#4 She worries about what her family or other people might say.

No matter how independent-minded single parents may be, it can’t be helped that she would think about what other people will say about her coming into a new relationship. On the part of the family, it is often out of concern for the child’s well-being.  Given our culture, a single parent must herself be prepared to handle the strain of comments, whether constructive or not. This should be communicated properly with the important people in her life, especially the child. 

#5 She fears about going through pain, rejection, or betrayal again.

Getting into a new relationship is an immense risk for single parents because of the stigma of the past and the possibility of failing again. Past relationships will cause them to think many times over especially because of unresolved issues from past relations and the limitations that her role as a single parent brings. She is aware that the new relationship offers no guarantees, including that past mistakes will not happen again.

Being a counselor allowed me to observe cases and suggest important points worth considering by single parents before being romantically-involved again.

•    Seek the child’s welfare. Your child’s well-being is equally important as your happiness. Strive to have openness and honesty in your relationship while still unattached, and prepare your child for the possibility of a new person coming into your lives. Children react differently and manifest different behaviors when faced with this idea.  Constantly giving them attention, assurance and affection may help ease acceptance of their parent’s newfound love.

•    Respect your ex as the parent of your child. Your new partner is not a replacement of your ex, contrary to what some single parents tell their children. No one can take the place of the child’s real mom or dad. Discrediting your ex-partner just to gain your child’s favor might do more harm, and may make it harder for the child to accept the new relationship.

•    Relationships matter. Single parents have to weigh two important relationships – the one with their child and the other with the new partner. The child does not have to be at the losing end just so the parent can be happy, likewise with the parent. Aiming for a healthy parent-child relationship and a clear set of values and goals would help single parents set the stage for possible significant changes in their life that will impact their child.

Falling in love again is a tricky situation for single parents, but most issues can be addressed with the proper attitude. So long as the parent continues to carry out her parenting duties and nurturing her relationship with her child, and has laid down her cards to the new partner, a new chance at love can be a win-win situation for everyone involved.

This article first appeared in Smartparenting.com.ph, May 2011, but has since been updated.