Interacting with teens in classes and workshops, let me share with you some matters I often hear from them. Whether you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, or a friend to families with teenagers, you can pick up some things they wish their parents knew.
#1 Don’t compare me with anyone
Teens are often told to be like their parents, their older siblings, or even cousins. We may have heard it too when we were teenagers.Comparing has somehow become part of our cultur, and it hits many of us in the core of our being.Unfortunately though it has become a pattern of upbringing that seems normal for us.
Truth is, we are all individuals, persons struggling to become our true selves. We are all uniquely created by our Maker. Comparing us to another person is like hitting the innate goodness and uniqueness that each of us possesses. We do not want to be compared to another person. No one deserves to be in the shadow of anyone. Children or teens, as everyone else, do not deserve being bench-marked with another. We need to accept and respect the unique person and the “gift of being” of the members of our family. Relationships thrive well with the unconditional acceptance and love that we give our loved ones — despite of and in spite of their strengths, limitations, and everything else in between.
#2 Listen to me
In some of my sessions with teens or even younger tweens, many remarked that their parents do not listen to them. Parents usually ask about their day. When the teens say, “It’s OK,” many adults are simply contented. But there is more to being “OK.” Some teens told me that they cannot open up to their parents. “When we start sharing something, they comment and say something right away. They do not really listen!” “We feel judged and unimportant, as if what we say do not really matter. And what they think about us is what matters!” Sounds familiar? Such is the sad reality.
This doesn’t happen to teens only. It happens to many of us in our own loving relationships. We should listen with both our ears and heart. Listen with intent to what the other person is telling us. They are sharing not only their thoughts, but their very selves. When we listen, we should listen not only to their words but to cues that they cannot verbalize or to what they are saying between the lines. When we listen without judgment or comment, we allow them to be themselves in our presence. There is an essence of not only communication but more of intent connection. As when teeners share, park your thought bubbles and just listen.
#3 They should treat each other right
Parents think that what the kids don’t know won’t hurt them. “They do not tell us that they are fighting, but we know they are!” “They thought we do not know but somehow we know their marriage is not good!”
Parents want what’s best for their children. They work hard to provide for the family, and raise their kids as best as they can. Sadly, in trying to do this, they prioritize other matters and people over what should be their top priority: their marriage. When the marital relationship is on the rocks, they try to hide their own issues from their kids. They overlook the fact that they raised their kids to be smart, honest, and trusting, such that eventually they will find out that something is not right in the home. As much as parents want to protect their kids, they are not actually protecting them with the lack of honesty and betrayal of their trust. They are hurting them more when they hide the truth from them.
The biggest challenge is for the parents to prioritize the marriage more than anything else. The marriage, no matter how hard and imperfect it may be, needs a lot of hard work, listening, acceptance, and nourishing. If it fails, the parents need to be up front in sharing with the teens (and even kids) that they have concerns (not the details though), but it is not the children’s fault, and their love for them does not change. If you are a parent and have a family, know that the best foundation in your family is a great marriage. Keep working on it. Give a rebirth to your family relationships by tuning in to what your teens say.
This first appeared in Family Reborn March 2017, but has since been updated.