Imagine a helicopter hovering above a child wherever he goes or whatever he does. Inside the helicopter is the parent, who is ready to jump anytime the child needs something, or cries for help, or encounters some sort of difficulty. Ideal? Yes. Helpful? No!
It is a given that we, parents, want what is best for our children. Yet, we need to recognize that our goal is not to do everything for them, but to train them. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” To train means to guide and educate, which is different from actually doing.
In parenting sessions, one common realization of parents is that it is hard for them to “let go.” Another is that they are anxious of letting their kids be independent from them. They also reason that it is convenient to keep doing things for children. The reality oftentimes is that the children are ready to do things on their own more than the parents. And so the dependency cycle persists. While this holds true for kindergarten parents, it also applies for children in different stages and in varying degrees.
“I can manage.” “I’ll be the one to do it.” These are common statements I hear from kids aged five to eight. Sounds good at times, but on other occasions, I hear a touch of rudeness. If the parent disagrees with what they’re saying, they follow the statement with, “But Mom…”
Defiance to Authority?
When the little angels assert themselves, is it defiance to authority? Do we take it personally? While we should not tolerate impoliteness, allowing them to express themselves is an acknowledgement of their growing need to be on their own and to find their way in the real world – physically and emotionally. They need us, but to a limited degree.
Children around five to eight years old are starting to separate from their parents comfortably. They are also trying to assert their independence by saying, “I can do it.” This displays their readiness to take on a task and a positive sign of their more secure and stronger sense of identity. It becomes the golden time to train them. Upon going to school, their world expands and children show eagerness to be with friends, teachers and other adults outside the home. This signifies their growing independence.
One important area to train the children to have a sense of independence is in self-help skills. These are daily routines directed at the child to take care of himself. Some of these skills include dressing up, bathing and grooming, eating, packing away toys, and doing household chores. When they are not trained to take care of themselves, they’ll have difficulty in the outside world. Indeed, I’ve encountered cases of children in early grade school who have a hard time coping with the routines in the classroom. They cannot eat neatly or pack away their bags. And some of these kids have a mom or caregiver who takes care of their every need.
An over-functioning parent who attends to all the moves and whims of the child may lead to an under-functioning child and eventually, an under-functioning adult. The difficulty is observed not in the home, but in school and in the world where the child moves.
Training kids at home greatly matters in the latter stages of their lives. We are both boosting their skills as well as their confidence in their own capacity and perception that they can do it on their own.
This calls for some reflection, parents. Do you keep doing things for your children? Think of what could happen when you are not there to do it for them. How will they thrive? Will they be physically and emotionally skilled take on real-life tasks now and later?
It is our responsibility to train our children into becoming independent and life-ready individuals. To quote Ann Landers: “It is not always what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do that will make them successful human beings.”
This article originally appeared in Kerygma Magazine, No. 292 Vol. 24, but has since been updated.