Jon, a 22-year-old college student, has shifted courses thrice and can’t commit regarding when he will graduate. Growing up, everything he needed was dealt with by a nanny, while his parents were busy working. Exam reviewers and school projects were made for him. Eventually, he just took the college course that seemed easiest for him.
Anne, a 12-year-old sixth grader was disorganized, forgetful, and lacked responsibility in school. Classmates that she squabbled with would be told off by Anne’s mom. At home, her mom bathed her, prepared her school things, made decisions for her, and gave in to Anne’s whims. Despite her above-average abilities, her behavior affected her class standing.
Home routines, school projects, and clothing choice are just some areas that children need to learn. Having adults who take away these choices by constantly doing things for them makes children miss out on life skills training. Passive or overbearing adults may raise children who are not prepared to handle responsibilities.
Doing things that children can do for themselves limits their growing independence—and may affect how they will turn out later in life.
Age of independence
According to Katherine Nachura-Santos, M.A.R.G.C., a graduate supervisor at the Miriam College Child Study Center, “Parents need to observe when the child is starting to assert doing things on his own, so he could be given the chance to practice independence.”
Developmentally, this happens when he’s a toddler. If done well, “children will learn to explore and initiate new things which will encourage them to be confident, happy, and well-adjusted to various situations later in life,” continues Nachura-Santos.
Caring and communicating
When my son was five years old, he would ask me to feed him before going to school. To encourage him to eat on his own, I would explain to him how I prepared his food.
The challenge for parents is assessing whether they are giving their child the proper dose of care. Claire Aguisanda, guidance counselor at Assumption Antipolo, advises, “Ask the child if she needs help. If she says no, then let her do it on her own, especially if it is a simple task and does not pose any harm to the child. If the child says otherwise, she may be given assistance.”
While children assert or explore, Aguisanda says, “Keep a watchful eye on them, but do not overreact over little mistakes. Make them understand the consequences by speaking calmly and telling them that it’s okay!”
Maan Alvaran, director of the Center the Learning and Intervention at Fontera Verde, Pasig City, emphasizes, “Parents can show they care by communicating properly to their children.” Adults should explain the situation and possible difficulties, but assure their children of their presence and help if needed.
Nachara-Santos says, “Parents should never fail to show appreciation for the child’s efforts to assert independence.” Assuming the child’s need for help, communicating well, and then capping it with affirmations are important steps parents should take to balance giving room for independence and showing the child they care.
Letting go
Some preschoolers cannot let go of mom during the first day of school, while some teenagers still want their parents to do their college enrollment. Though the blame often falls on kids who cannot detach from their parents, the truth is some parents struggle in letting go of their children. As Santos advises, “Trust your child to be all right on his own. Give opportunities for your child to explore and assert himself, and always check and balance your reactions with your child’s actions. What you say or do may affect your child.“
Alvaran believes that parents should let go of anxieties, saying, “Oftentimes, it is the parent who is anxious and not the child.”
Parents’ anxiety and failure to accept their individual differences with those of their growing children hinder their inculcation of independence. It is often said that the goal of parenting is to raise kids to not need us. Raising independent children is one way to measure if parents completed their mission well. This process imparts significant life skills to the child—a sense of responsibility, confidence, decision-making abilities, and self-worth—gifts that take years to take root, and require nurturing in children.
Practical training
Parents need to be at the helm of raising independent children. Experts suggest the following guidelines:
- Let children do self-help activities that need maximum assistance.
- Come up with house rules and routines to help children understand boundaries and manage expectations.
- Give them choices, but limit their options to develop decision-making and responsibility.
- Assign age-appropriate chores and create opportunities for children to be responsible.
- Affirm both milestones and efforts.
This article first appeared in Moms Today, March – April 2012, but has been updated.