While we all want a marriage made in heaven and to live happily ever after, you can drop this fairy tale perception. There is no perfect marriage, only a union that grows within each of you. When one partner outdistances the other, both must work to bridge the gap to keep their marriage on track. Take this reality check and then you can heave a sigh of relief—“I’m normal! My marriage is normal!” –instead of wondering if you’ve lost the high from your honeymoon stage.
Knowing how your marriage shapes up at certain stages in your life can help you prepare for the changes that lie ahead so you and your partner can live—not happily ever after—but as happily as you can.
STAGE I: THE NEWLY WEDS
After the honeymoon euphoria wanes, many couples find themselves facing the realities of married life—and their partner. “My husband and I had dated for seven years, but I still went through a kind of culture shock,” says Emily E. They bickered over little things, like his habit of dawdling over breakfast when she was used to running out the door to beat the morning traffic.
This adjustment period tests your ability to communicate and resolve conflicts. Will you refuse to give in or give in all the time? Do you talk about problems or sweep differences under the rug, waiting for the proverbial last straw and a blown-out confrontations?
Marriage secret: Understand where your partner is coming from.
It’s not enough to know one another’s temperament, preferences, and habit. Try to find out why he’s like that or the “context” of his behavior.
“My husband and I had really bad fights about money, especially when I started buying things for the house. He’d always want to buy the cheapest (and ugliest), so I’d use my money instead—which I’d resent, kasi bahay namin ‘to. I expected him to pay for at least half”, says Liza M. She finally understood his behavior when he talked about his dad’s gambling addiction. “When he won at the casino, he’d spend like a madman. When he lost, he’d pawn things from the house just to buy food.” Shopping for the house must have brought back those childhood fears.
STAGE 2: THE COUPLE WITH YOUNG KIDS
The demands of juggling parenthood with a career can be so overwhelming that we take our marriage (our primary relationship) for granted. We say, “The children come first! We work hard to give them the best! We don’t go out anymore because we have to be there for the kids.”
No wonder many couples become dissatisfied with their marriage. There’s less passion (“The feeling is no longer there!”) and connection (“I feel like my spouse is a different person.”).
But we are a couple before we became parents. We may think that we’ll have more than enough time for each other when the kids grew up, but if a marriage is not nurtured constantly, it might not be there when we finally become empty nesters.
Marriage Secret: Put in quality time.
Olivia and Bob F. are celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary in December. They’ve been through it all: financial problems, health scares, mid-life crises. But whenever happened, they had one very simple and effective ritual. “Every Sunday morning, my husband and I would have a leisurely breakfast at a café in our village shopping center before going to the supermarket across the street.” They never missed the weekly couple date because it was programmed into their family routine.
STAGE 3: THE COUPLE WITH TEEN KIDS
Most of us will enter midlife as our kids become teenagers. We experience a parallel life stage: physiological and emotional changes, shifts in career paths, and relationship issues. As we struggle with our own issues, we are trying to resolve conflicts with other family members.
“Those years were really terrible,” recalls Nancy G. Her then 17-year-old daughter wanted to date and join parties; her husband refused, and she (who always thought he was a little too controlling) took her side. In retrospect, each of them were experiencing life issues. “My husband had focused on his career while the kids were growing up. Now that he had more time for them, they wanted their own lives.”
Nancy saw her husband’s frustration, but found it hard to reach out to him. They didn’t really talk, and now that the kids weren’t there to distract her, she was painfully aware of the wall between them. Hope came in the form of tennis. They both needed to lose weight. Since the subdivision had tennis courts, it was the most convenient way for them to get fitter. “We finally had a common topic to talk about, which helped us get used to talking about other things, too.”
It is never too late to rekindle the fire in your marriage. Take an honest look at what you need to work on, and make that step whether it’s sharing a hobby, going into counseling, or attending marriage enhancement programs.
STAGE 4: THE EMPTY NESTERS
When your adult children move out, you will find yourself alone, just like when you were newlyweds. If your marriage has been shaky, this midlife stage of your life together can become more difficult. But sometimes, the realization that ‘it’s just the two of us now’ and the long stretches of time together can help you see your marriage in a new light, and reassess what it means to you.
Elsa U. looks back at her 35 years of marriage and sums it up perfectly. “At first, you see all the imperfections and fight about them. And then somewhere along the way, you get busy and take each other for granted. But then, you realize that this is the longest relationship you’ve ever had. Your love has been tested and it has survived. You have grown old together, and you can’t imagine life without each other.
8 WAYS TO STAY HAPPY TOGETHER
Whatever marital stage you are in, you can take steps to keep your relationship happy and healthy based on Love Institute’s Marriage Quick tips:
- Have a weekly date with your spouse. Take time to get to know your partner.
- Chat at home for at least 30 minutes thrice a week. Consistency is the key to staying connected, and knowing the ins and outs of your individual and family life.
- Take a vacation—just the two of your—once a year. Leave the kids with relatives or close friends and “elope” with your spouse to have some memorable time for each other. You need to enrich your marriage to be better parents.
- See a marriage counselor, attend a marriage enhancement program at least one a year, or attend a marriage support group meeting. This will help fine-tune issues in your marriage and help you work on a more loving relationship with each other.
- Simplify your lifestyle to make time for self-care, marriage, and kids. Prioritizing the basics will help you take care of the essentials like your marriage and raising children along with your career.
- Write down your goals for your marriage. As with setting targets at work, couples also need to set their goals for marriage, and how they want to go about it. This will be your guide in decision-making and mapping out personal and family plans.
- Never fix your partners. This is a reality that all married couples need to know—you cannot fix your spouse to the way you want him to be. It is up to the person to change. Be realistic, understand, accept, and work around your partner’s preferences, needs, issues, and traits.