It is very likely that you didn’t know that you were dealing with a narcissist. If it had happened in any other context, you would have known that you were being lied to and manipulated. But because the perpetrator was a family member, you refused to believe it was true. After all, how could someone who supposedly loves you be so intentionally cruel?
A person with a narcissistic personality disorder may best be described as having a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, a lack of empathy to the point of exploiting others, with an obsessive need to be envied and admired.
Going by these qualities, you could already discern the difficulties of interacting, much less having a relationship with such a person. Matters become more complicated and toxic, however, when the narcissist employs any or all of his favorite tricks.
Gaslighting is one. It’s when the narcissist distorts reality, telling you something didn’t happen when it actually did. When you bring up a painful incident which happened between the two of you, he will just dismiss it. He’ll say he doesn’t remember it ever happening. Imagine if this person was a sibling or even a parent, and you might start doubting yourself. With enough denials, you might actually start telling yourself that it didn’t happen.
The narcissist likes to be in control. If you allow him, he will take control of every possible facet of your life, from your schedule to your appearance. Above all, he wants control of your emotions, keeping you on your toes, throwing conflicts, real and imagined, along the way.
Every so often, he’ll get into a narcissistic rage when he feels threatened and when he feels he’s losing hold. He’ll create chaos to get you off-balance, and within his grasp.
When he gets cornered, he’ll blackmail you emotionally, just so you don’t leave his lair. At times, he’ll bring in someone else into the picture to invalidate your feelings. This is called triangulation, and if it just so happens that the third person brought in is another narcissist, expect another level of narcissistic hell.
Unfortunately, the narcissist in your life ain’t going to change his ways anytime soon. That’s how he is. The question is what you’re going to do about it.
Disengagement is key. Setting emotional boundaries is the first step. This is going to be difficult, most specially if the relationship has been going on for years and years, but it is a matter of self-preservation, yours!
Affirm your thoughts and feelings. Give yourself time to breathe. Reflect on everything that has happened. At one point, you might even blame yourself for not seeing the truth sooner. Don’t! It’s not your fault. Forgive yourself, and work on untangling yourself from the web of lies and deceit that has engulfed you for so long.
Good luck!
By Michele Alignay and Jing Lejano