If the thought of joining a couples’ retreat makes you cringe, think of it as a weekend to restore the spark in your marital relationship. Forget the preconceived notions of it being a religious activity or for dysfunctional couples only — beyond the psycho-spiritual learning experience, retreats are conducted not merely to remedy rocky relationships, but to make marriages more satisfactory and avoid future problems.
Making “I do’s” last
Marriage and family expert Maribel Dionisio of the Love Institute strongly recommends that couples undergo a yearly retreat. Like a car tune-up, it is what Dionisio regards as marriage maintenance. She believes that couples should strive to go beyond “just married” to being “happily married,” despite the challenges and issues they face.
The American Psychological Association cites that in the US, there’s a 50 percent probability of divorce for first-time married couples, while many who stay married end up in unhappy states. Research points to the efficacy of marriage education programs in helping couples stay together and resolve unhappy marriages.
Dan Caballes, a relationship consultant of the Love Institute and a Marriage Encounter (ME) retreat facilitator for 17 years, says that the goal of couples’ retreats “is for couples to have communication skills, intended to deepen their marital relationship.” He explained that the skill to dialogue is introduced in the program to assist spouses in expressing emotions and discussing their innermost thoughts and feelings. Couples are encouraged to continue practicing it in their daily interactions.
Special experience for ordinary couples
Jon and Rissa, six years married, attended Retrouvaille Lifeline for Stressed Marriages. The two sought to move forward beyond their individual hurts and issues that overlapped into their relationship. “There are worse situations out there than our own problems,” Rissa reflects. The retreat gave them insights about other marriages that suffered unbelievable trials — and the hope that things could get better.
Ting, 11 years married, attended a marriage retreat organized by Kerygma with her husband. It aimed to help enhance couples communication, rekindle love and affection for long-time marriages, and be a venue for showing appreciation. Ting shares, “We discovered that our conflicts and challenges are very common with other couples’. We learned about our ‘communication stoppers’ and how to avoid them.”
In the couples’ retreat attended by Tina and Anthony, seven years married, the former shares, “We learned to fight fairly, and to communicate better. We also learned more about our respective roles as husband and wife, to grow in mutual love and respect for each other.”
Couple retreats and marital counseling
As a counselor and family-life specialist, I consider couple retreats different from marital counseling.
Retreats are designed for a group with set goals and topics, conducted by trained facilitators. Couples are enjoined to discuss the topics’ relevance to their relationship and find the areas for them to work on.
In counseling, the couple’s specific concerns or problem situations are identified to serve as basis for the goals of the sessions. The counselor helps facilitate openness and understanding between the couple, and shows how their issues relate to other areas of the relationship.
One method is not more effective than the other. Both can be taken simultaneously to complement their respective goals and processes.
Caballes points out that the ME programs he’s involved in aren’t counseling sessions. “Specific issues between couples are not opened up or discussed unless participants volunteer them. Even then, such issues are not explored in the plenary. What the couples are encouraged to do is to talk about these issues using the communication technique that is taught in the seminar,” he explains.
The challenge of attending retreats
Our local culture isn’t too keen on marriage and relationship programs. Some people shy away from it, and are ill-at-ease at the possibility of confronting personal or relationship issues.
In many cases, one partner is willing and the other is forced to join the program. Caballes observes, “Facilitators often explore the reasons the participants, mostly the men, are not comfortable. The speakers and facilitators also want to make the environment as friendly and safe for them.”
For Jon and Rissa, the retreat was non-confrontational and couple discussions were done in private. An open heart is a must for couples to truly experience the process. “Retreats are not overnight cures, but rather just a tiny step towards a better marriage,” says Rissa.
Despite the inhibitions couples have about joining such programs, retreats can bring participants a worthwhile learning experience, and break through unhealthy patterns to take baby steps toward improving the marriage. A retreat is a good way to help couples bring back the zest in the relationship to make it truly happy and fulfilling. It’s a long-term investment in the most important relationship a person can have.
This article has been updated, but originally appeared in Moms Today January-February 2013.