What are the things that come to mind when you hear the word boundary? I’ve always thought of boundary as synonymous to limit, and one that should be established, respected, and observed. This is an essential component of a relationship.
When boundaries in relationships are unclear, there are possible drawbacks. It could lead to unwanted and unhealthy habits like co-dependency. It may also result in abuse.
In a typical Filipino family, enmeshed or extremely close relationships between family members are common. There is also the tendency to tie worth with relationships. Some give too much to a relationship to the point of exhaustion. There is nothing wrong with giving. When giving comes to the point of being drained or losing one’s identity in the relationship, however, the is price too steep. Ask yourself: if you are giving too much in your relationships, what will life be apart from the relationships you keep?
In some families, there seems to be an unwritten expectation to give especially when you have more than others. To help is a beautiful act, but try not give to the point of dependency, especially if there is a capacity to earn their own keep. Relationships should be two-sided. Do not unconsciously set other people to rely on you. Putting your foot down may bring about uncomfortable tension at first but this is completely normal. Take it as a natural component in relationships. While setting boundaries can be difficult when you were not raised with this norm, it is crucial for your personal formation.
How exactly can we set healthy boundaries? Here are some suggestions:
Set your limits
This is knowing where you stand and what you value. A very high sense of self-awareness is needed. If you do not know yourself well, you’ll fall into the trap of saying yes to everyone around you.
Say no
Be comfortable with saying no and being able to say it without offering an explanation. Doing so does not make you a bad person. When you say no to some, you’re saying yes to YOU. When you give, make sure you’re not running yourself to your limits.
Say things directly
This is not choosing aggressiveness, rather, this is choosing to be assertive. Be direct and nice. Know your worth and get comfortable with saying, “I am not letting you treat me this way because I know I am worth more than that.” Please do not shortchange yourself.
Self-assurance
Do not doubt your decisions and stand by them. Don’t feel guilty! Stop thinking about what others are thinking. If they end up thinking bad about you, is it a reflection of you or is it a reflection of them? Choose not to anchor your self-worth to those around you. People-pleasing is not a healthy habit to have!
See the other side of things
Strive to look at the silver lining. Even though it is difficult, these circumstances are opportunities for growth and avenues to move forward.
Stay consistent
Model what you say to your kids and family. Be a living example so they will find it easy to emulate you. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. At the end of the day, as parents, we can only suggest and not control. When our kids are older, their decision ultimately lies in their hands. To foster consistency and a healthy relationship with them. Relationships are essential if you want to build compliance.
Start small
Begin with yourself and cultivate a healthy sense of self-awareness. Start by checking where you are in the relationships that you hold. Refuse to surround yourself with individuals who drag and drain you. Strive to be a whole person so you will not fall into the unhealthy trap of anchoring yourself on the people around you.
We have to set healthy boundaries to love, grow, and help other people fulfill their life mission. We have the capacity to empower other people. Let us not teach them to depend on us. Rather, strive to foster the kind of relationship that teaches other people to be self-sufficient and resilient. People should not complete us; they should complement us. – WITH PAU DE VERA