Have you ever had a conflict with your loved one? Do you stop working on the relationship because of your differences? In any given relationship, conflict is a given. If there is a relationship, there is conflict.
A good quality relationship is crucial. When we share a deep bond with another person, it becomes easy for us to express our needs, wants, and goals. The connection will bridge correction. It is hard to correct without a connection. Given that, we need to look into personalities, relationships, established habits, or patterns. Patterns refer to the way family members function and communicate with one another. You’ll be surprised by how some families do not talk about issues. Their communication patterns are more mechanical or functional, focusing conversations around roles, food, and daily living.
The biggest thing that we need in any relationship is commitment. This is why commitment between both parties is crucial. If only one person is committed, then it will not be enough to make the relationship work. One may be committed to working on the relationship but if the other has already left or given up, there is nothing to be worked on. Mutual commitment is a must. Commitment entails deliberate effort towards the relationship.
Today I will share with you points on how to have constructive conflict skills. Admittedly, these skills require time, patience, and commitment. They aren’t going to magically solve things for you. We need conflicts as tools to help us grow.
- Allow room for appropriate anger. Anger occurs when we are threatened with something. It also points us to a need; perhaps this is a need to be heard, seen, affirmed, among others. Anger is not a bad emotion; even Jesus got angry. Anger is a tool for us to create space.
- Discuss differences or issues when calm. If both are in heightened emotional states, it will only be a word war; there will be an unhealthy exchange of problems. While discussions are okay, clear resolutions should follow. This is important because it allows us to put the right boundaries and maintain respect for the other person.
- Agree on words or signals to cease the discussion. Having these would put the right boundaries and help maintain the respect for another person. This is also somehow related to the common Filipino saying: “Huwag ninyong pabayaan na bumaba ang araw nang hindi nareresolbahan ang problema.” Of course, this is easier said than done. At times, rest and sleeping over a problem may help so perhaps agreeing on a signal can help in temporarily parking the issue. This is also a smart way on putting a time limit on resolving issues.
- Resolve to create a resolution. This is often overlooked. Sometimes we share our feelings and thoughts about a certain happening but do not progress to discuss what kind of resolutions can be put in place. This means answering these questions: What can we do? How can we be a better couple? How can we move on from this?
- Resume your plans if possible. This is related to learning how to compartmentalize. If you have scheduled a date only to end up fighting a few hours before, for example, then try your best to compartmentalize and push through with it. This is not always feasible as sometimes circumstances deem it impossible. But remember that fights are just a part of us; they are not all of us. We need to ask God grace’s not to be consumed by conflicts. We need to learn how to resume plans, life, and discussions. Conflicts are a part of life but it is not life.
Which of these would you like to apply the soonest in your relationships? – WITH PAU DE VERA