My youngest daughter who is 17 years old has a bubbly personality. Her social media posts are full of bonding moments with her friends and classmates. I can see how happy she is, especially when relatives visit us. But when it’s just us at home, she’s silent and introverted. She doesn’t mingle so much with me and her sisters and prefers to stay in her room.
I want to reach out to her but she always gives me the cold shoulder. I know how challenging this stage is. I want to guide her, be with her, make friends with her, but she won’t allow me to.
How do I break down her walls? I don’t know why she treats us this way.
Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
I feel your frustration in dealing with your teen at this stage in her life. Indeed, it is a challenging stage for both the adolescent and the parent. Change and a new set of challenges are happening to her at the moment — physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Allow me to ask you some questions that I hope you find time to objectively reflect on:
– How is your daughter growing up? Is she really the introvert or the outgoing type? What is her general mood?
– When did you note this change on how she deals with you? Do you recall any big or small incidents that may have led to it?
– How is your emotional atmosphere at home? Are you generally an open and connected family who shares with each other almost everything since your children are small?
– Does the family have an accepting atmosphere? For example do you support what she is doing, and do you not hold any judgment or negative feedback toward her? Was she ever compared to her older siblings? Being the youngest, were there patterns of being under the shadow of the older ones? Or maybe, do you note any unconscious treatment from anyone of you, maybe words or ways, which made her feel left out and even not understood?
– How are you with her in terms of your words and actions? Were you ever harsh and did you tend to give unnecessary comments while she was growing up? Are you open and available to her — unconditionally?
I ask these questions to help you be aware of the family patterns you might have that are probably directly affecting your daughter’s relationship with you and the rest of the family. Once you have considered these thoughtfully, correct what needs to be corrected. Aim for a more accepting, positive, and life-giving relationship with her. It will not be an easy feat, but in anything, know that your small but deliberate efforts to progress will be worthwhile later.
Consider these points in reference to the questions above:
Get to know her again. Her personality and mood are still evolving at this point. Know her stressors, her interests, and things that uplift her. Try to invite her to do things with you, or accompany her — if she will allow — on engagements that she likes. She is still a work-in-progress in building her own identity.
Note the family pattern in terms of emotional connection. If there are matters that need to be corrected among you and the whole family, do correct it. No more blaming and finger pointing. Ask forgiveness for anything that may have been left unresolved. It is possible that she has bottled up concerns that she could not open up to anyone of you, for fear of being judged or reprimanded. This is usually the common cause why teens move away from parents — they feel misunderstood. Whether you have fully understood her or not, have the humility to seek apology.
Work on emotional connections in the family. You need to consider the breadth and the depth of topics of what you discuss at home. If it seemed to be all functional, like the basic needs, chances are this stage is a result of a lack of concrete connection with her. If your emotional connection is in place, then stages like this may be managed since you have a deeper and personal communication and connection with your daughter.
Accept her uniqueness and never compare. If there are frequent patterns of constantly comparing her to siblings, unrealistic expectations, and words that make her feel judged and unaccepted for who she is, then it is a valid reason for her to move away. She does not know if she is accepted in the family for who she really is. She might have a feeling now of not being her true self to her own family. Then seek forgiveness and work on your family patterns to be more positive.
Resolve your own issues. Matters such as your daughter’s situation with a member of the family manifest a concern or imbalance in the family in general. It is not only about her, but she may reacting to some pattern, or might be mirroring the issues you have that she does not know how to deal with. Be open with your own process.
In the family, any call for help or pain in one small part affects the rest of the family. Work on each part of the family — through openness, deliberate steps, and positive outlook that you are doing all these for the sake of your daughter and the rest. Challenges such as these are wake-up calls and maybe even stepping stones to have a fuller, healthier family life.
Praying for your family to be whole,
Michele