Combat the pull of entitlement culture by teaching your kids empathy.
We encounter entitled brats of every size at social gatherings, school, or in my case, the counselling room. These children often grow up feeling that the world owes them. They are often unaware of how their behavior affects other people.
Adults, unconsciously or deliberately, allow kids to feel and have that sense of entitlement, raising children with the message that the world revolves round them, and no one else matters. Author and psychologist David Shaffer, Ph.D. believes these children weren’t taught to live with pro-social behaviors like sharing, helping, or comforting that are intended to benefit other people.
PRO-SOCIAL VALUES BEGIN AT HOME
In his book Social and Personality Development, Dr. Shaffer reviewed studies conducted among pro-social activists and concluded that warm and compassionate models who advocate “pro-social behavior’s and who practice what they preach are especially effective at eliciting pro-social responses from young children.” When parenting and disciplining practices show sympathy, children grow up to be sympathetic and self-sacrificing.
Social values must be explained well to children, so they can absorb and process their meaning before actually practicing it in everyday life. Anna Meloto-Wilk, a mom of four whose family is immersed with work for Gawad Kalinga (GK), upholds important family values such as faith, integrity, excellence, and compassion. Integrity is practiced by “always telling the truth no matter what, even if it gets them in trouble.” She also shows her kids how to honor the working time and days-off of their caregivers, even if it means the family will have extra tasks at home. Excellence is lived out by being on time for school or other commitments, doing school work well and meeting deadlines, and abiding by the rules at home and in school. Compassion is taught by practicing forgiveness in the family and bringing the kids to GK activities.
Obet Cabrillas, a preacher and dad of two kids, shares that the antidote that parents need to counter the sense of entitlement in kids is accountability. He says, “I teach my children simple chores so that they could gain a sense of achievement and more importantly, responsibility.”
THE VALUE OF ENTITLEMENT
A rule of thumb in making children understand social responsibility is to cultivate pro-social culture in the home, such as teaching them the value of entitlement for kids to understand that they have a duty to contribute to others. Cabrillas believes there are “healthy entitlements” that are beneficial to the relationship, such as hugs or affirmations.
Meloto-Wilk says, “Sharing is a basic universal concept that we must all learn. Not all children enjoy the same comforts and privileges.” The social entrepreneur also tries to teach her own brood that “personal comfort isn’t the most important thing if it encroaches on the freedoms and comforts of others. They must always be mindful and considerate of others around them. She deliberately puts her kids in uncomfortable situations like crowded vehicles, going to a GK community, or ordering shared drinks instead of individual ones. This is done with the intention of using these circumstances as the “foundation for more complex discussions on social responsibility and the children’s duty as sentient and privileged beings to improve their environment.”
HOME REMEDIES THROUGH DAILY REALITIES
The co-founder of Human Nature, one of the leading social enterprises in the country, Meloto-Wilk tries to raise her children without the aura of entitlement by doing the following:
- Setting appropriate limits or rules. The house has no TV weekdays to encourage the kids to be more creative and take responsibility for their boredom. “It also teaches them to be producers instead of just consumers of media,” she shares. She also limits giving treats to kids to once a day, having a special desert on Sunday, and allowing them to buy only one item when they go with her to the grocery.
- Education is the key! ”We try to educate them that the material things they have are a privilege and not a right, “Meloto-Wilk says. Together with her husband Dylan, the couple explains to their kids that material things they have are bought by the resources of the parents. “If they want to buy other things, then we have to talk about it,” she says. As for items they won’t buy for the kids, like mobile phones, she holds that the kids need to wait until they earn their own money to buy them.
- Kids should know how to save their own money. Whether acquired as monetary gifts from their allowance or from chores they did, Meloto-Wilk says, “We discuss what they want to save up for and when we both agree, they work towards saving up the amount to pay for the item that they want.”
Similarly, Cabrillas and his wife assure their kids that they are entitled to their parents’ love and provision. “We explain how money is earned through their parents hard work.” The children are encouraged to help around the house by doing simple chores such as putting away toys, washing the dishes, or assisting the household help. The kids’ desired items, mostly toys, are given upon approval of parents.
PRO-SOCIAL LIVING
Meloto-Wilk knows their kids like hers, who live in gated villages and enjoy comfortable lives, can learn from other children. She partnered with her children’s school to pilot a shared learning program, creating an avenue for children from public and private schools to engage in fun and interactive learning activities. She affirms, “More than an outreach, it helps enrich the Filipino-speaking skills of private school students, while teaching them empathy and relating with people from all walks of life. The public school kids get a wider exposure in terms of their life experience which hopefully dares them to dream bigger dreams and boosts their self-esteem.”
Believing that volunteering for NGOs, such as GK and other great causes, can help develop social consciousness among growing kids, the Meloto-Wilk family has celebrated birthdays and joined building activities with GK. Apart from being a parent-child bonding activity, “It’s an excellent opportunity to explore the topics of compassion and social responsibility.”
Developing pro-social skills aren’t limited to occasional activities. As proven by studies, the rule of parents as models create more impact on how kids can be socially attuned. Parents need to set the tone and live with pro-social values, ingraining it in the details of home life and parent-child relationships.
Meloto-Wilk says, “If parents treat their staff like professionals—with specific work hours, proper days off, treating them with dignity and respect—then it sends the right signals to the children that people are not at their beck and call to serve their convenience. This is a very basic lesson that can hopefully bring up individuals that know how to work hard for themselves and will not feel entitled.”
For kids, it’s 10 percent preaching and 90 percent modelling. A common mantra says, “Live less so others may have more.” If parents are aware that their actions, spending patterns, and values influence their children, then their kids may grow up feeling that all people are entitled to what the world offers, despite their differences.
This article originally appeared in Moms Today, November – December 2013, but has since been updated.