Emotional intelligence can help your child face whatever life brings. Ensuring that a child develops emotional skills needed in dealing with problems and sticky social situations is now as important as teaching him how to read and write, and parents are expected to be at the helm.
Daniel Goldman refers to emotional intelligence (EQ) as a person’s ability to recognize and regulate emotions within him and others. Queena Lee-Chua, Ph. D. in her book Filipino Children Surviving the World, names some emotional qualities for success, empathy, and control like independence, adaptability, persistence, friendliness, kindness, respect, and problem-working skills.
In nursery, my son Miguel, then three years old, was a contestant in poetry recitation. We practiced his piece well, but he got sick with the flu just before competing. He was still determined to participate but in the middle of his delivery, his voice became hoarse. He finished but did not land any slot in the contest. I commended him for his confidence, for standing onstage and reciting the poem, and then asked why his voice became softer. He replied, “When I was standing there by myself, Mom, I saw the eyes of the people looking at me. Suddenly, I felt so shy!”
As a mom and as a counselor, I recognized that scenario as a breakthrough for a child. I noted his positive attitude in joining the contest, how he confidently finished his piece and persevered despite the odds, without crying or pessimism. Miguel was also able to “name” his feeling and pointed out its source, making as both aware of the experience.
EQ IS A FAMILY AFFAIR
Each child has a different temperament and personality makeup. With consistent time and attention, parents will know their child well and help them overcome their weaknesses. Marissa Jusay, R.G.C., a guidance counselor at Assumption Antipolo, believes that parents should be actively involved. She says, “A child who lives in a positive, affirming, and loving environment will develop high EQ. Parents play a great role in the development of their child’s EQ.”
Joy Guerrero, M.D., 33, a mom of three, says her eldest, Bambi, as a toddler would always cling and refuse to play in the presence of others. Consistent assurance, coaching during social activities, and putting her in school at age three helped develop Bambi’s ability to gain confidence and become emotionally adapt.
A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
Dr. Lee-Chua cites that “viewing life with optimism” helps children grow to be happier and successful. This is learned primarily from simply watching and hearing parents.
Tina Rodriguez, 33, editor and mom of two, recognizes her own mannerisms when her kids have temper tantrums, answer rudely, or act unkindly. “My kids are picking up my bad emotional habits and attitudes.” She acknowledges her need to be more emotionally mature—and tries her best, along with her husband—to be more loving, accepting, and appreciative of their kids in whatever they do.
NAME AND TALK ABOUT THE FEELING
In parenting sessions, I emphasize the importance of widening a child’s emotional vocabulary. During intensely emotional situations, let your child cry and be aware of the feeling by naming it. Dismissing the outburst by saying “It’s not good to be sad!” may not be constructive. Parents can understand their child by limiting comments, and instead using process statements like “Are you mad or frustrated?” Assure the child during the outburst. “I see that you really feel bad. You can cry for a few minutes and let’s talk about it when you are ready.”
Jusay stresses the importance of helping a child understand emotions by identifying or putting words to the feelings and helping to express them constructively. Articulating the feeling is the springboard for you to discuss the problem with your child.
As Dr. Lee-Chua writes, “Children need to verbalize what they feel. Giving words to feelings can change the way their brain develops, form links between emotional and thinking parts, and help kids face problems better.”
LET KIDS FACE PROBLEMS
Some parents meddle in their kids’ tiffs, do a difficult school project for them, or respond to another’s question directed at their child. They may have good intentions, but the child losses the opportunity to learn life skills and tap into his capacity to handle himself during these uncomfortable situations. In similar cases I handled, children who are shielded from discomfort tend to lack maturity in handling their emotions and resolving problems, which creates more concerns later on in life.
Karla de Guzman, preschool director of Colegio Sto. Domingo in Cainta, believes that children will be “faced with situations wherein they will not get their way, they will have to learn to give, to sacrifice, to wait, or to just accept what is happening. From these experiences, they become more self-aware and get a better understanding of how life is.”
It may seem hard to nurture, but consistency from parents will help develop an emotionally intelligent child, who can apply the early lessons he learns in any situation in life.
This article originally appeared in Moms Today January – February 2012, but has since been updated.