My husband and I are members of a spiritual community. We are both serving actively in one of its ministries. We have four children, all college graduates and working. We thought we have raised them well and guided them with good values. They were also active members of our community when they were still students. But as they pursued their own careers, they lacked the time for service.
Our problem now is that we just found out that my second daughter is three months pregnant. It would have been easier to handle if her boyfriend is a responsible adult. However, we learned from our daughter that her boyfriend has an addiction to gambling.
She had previously tried to break up with him, but her attempt was met with a suicidal threat from her boyfriend. She got deeper into their relationship and now she’s pregnant.
She’s in a dilemma whether to pressure him to marry her or to raise her child on her own. She knows that her boyfriend would threaten to commit suicide again if she breaks up with him.
As parents, my husband and I have guilt feelings over the turn of events in our daughter’s life. Have we not raised her well? Where did we go wrong? Right now, we are being very protective of our three other daughters. We also have been thinking of taking a leave of absence from our service in the community, just so we’ll have more time with our daughters and know more of their whereabouts, activities, and relationships. We don’t want the same thing to happen to them.
Hope you can help enlighten us.
Marina
Dear Marina,
I feel your concern for your daughter. This is a common occurrence that is not really discussed in society. You are not alone.
First, let us sort things out.
When your daughter got pregnant, she was already an adult. Despite having armed her with all the values she needs in life, what she did was no accident. She knows the consequence of her actions. And so, it is actually her problem that is now affecting you and the rest of the family.
Secondly, marriage is not—and never will be—a solution to an out-of-wedlock pregnancy. This was a common mistake of the previous generation that we should not carry over to ours. The best benefit for our children if they get into such a situation is to cut the pattern of forced marriages. Tying the knot is a lifetime commitment and it might just cause more harm to your daughter. Moreover, marrying a guy who has issues such as addiction may be a sign of more complex problem. It will be a relief for your daughter if she can be accepted to carry the baby as a single mother—a happy single mom perhaps—than make her marry for the wrong reasons (both the reason for marrying due to pregnancy and the sign of a problematic relationship due the boyfriend’s situation).
Finally, your husband and you need to work on your guilt regarding the predicament you are in. In reality, you may be hurt that your daughter did not act according to how you want her to. Check where your hurt is coming from—is it due to the relationship itself or to what others may say about your family’s predicament? Taking a leave of absence from the community may not be the solution, as you and your husband need the support and nourishment in order to help you manage this trying time in your family life. Being humble to face the situation and accepting it will be the first thing you need to work on, along with forgiving your daughter—and maybe yourselves.
Overprotecting your other daughters may not also be the key; it may cause bigger problems like rebellion. You may help all of them mature in the process by using the situation as a tool to check your relationships within the family, retooling yourselves with new ways of relating with each other, and establishing better family bonds. It is critical to reach out to your pregnant daughter because she needs you at the moment. You have to help her face the consequences of her choice. Support the pregnancy and welcome the baby, but give your daughter the responsibility of sustaining her child and taking on the role of mother. Limit giving support, if it will help your daughter to be independent, but balance it with emotional support.
It will not be easy. May this family concern bring you to better ways of relating with each other. I pray that things will work out well for your family and may you see God’s bigger design for you all.
Ichel
This first appeared in Family Reborn October 2017, but has since been updated.