The mother learned from the grapevine that her teenage daughter has a boyfriend, despite their rule that she is not yet allowed to have romantic involvements. Here are three ways in which the situation can be brought out in the open.
Pinapakiramdaman. As much as she wants to ask, she does not know how. She was afraid to tell her husband. So the mother kept trying to make small conversations with her daughter, trying to “feel” and test the waters if she will say something about her relationship status. She was afraid to ask her directly, for fear that her daughter might react harshly.
Pinagsasabihan. The daughter stepped into the house from school. Mom readily turned to her and told her of the information she gathered about her having a boyfriend. She did not give the daughter a chance to share her story, and proceeded to tell her the pitfalls of being in a relationship at her age.
Pinag-uusapan. When the daughter came home from school that day, the mother asked her how her day has been. She noted her good mood and proceeded on with a good chat. Then the mom proceeds to relay to her daughter that she learned about her newfound romance. She asked her about the boy and how she feels about being in such a relationship.
The first kind is very Filipino—nagpapakiramdaman. In our culture, it is hard to ask the person directly about an issue. Some tend to go around in circles until the moment is lost. Attempts to talk are through sensing, feeling, and testing the waters. It can also happen as parinig or giving hints about the situation. Yet no actual discussion or face-to-face deep conversation happens.
The second case, pinagsasabihan, is also a common communication pattern. When I ask some parents if they have discussed such issues with their children, they typically say yes. When I ask their children, however, they’d say their parents mentioned the issue but no discussion ensued. Pinagsasabihan is one-sided communication. It is merely telling and reminding, and reprimanding without hearing the other person’s opinion or feelings.
The third is pinag-uusapan. This refers to a dialogue, two-sided exchange of communication between the parties. They talk, share feelings, and give opinions. Judgment is limited and there are agreed possible resolutions to work out the situation. It is not a pleasant experience all the time as it entails opening up the unpleasant side of issues, feelings, and fears. Yet, there is an honest to goodness connection and understanding between family members.
Your Communication Pattern
Which of these communication patterns do you often resort to in the family?
How does it help your relationship?
Is your relationship getting better due to the way you communicate?
Our communication patterns may be different for each family member, depending on the depth of our relationship with them. But usually, we have a personal style. We should note that communication in families is very crucial, especially between the couple, the parent-child, or among siblings. It is the grease that smoothens friction in the family.
If your pattern of communication is usually the first two, you may want to assess how it is improving your relationship and how these address concerns in the family. We tend to take it that all is well in the family if there is no conflict. The lack of conflict, however, does not mean the absence of problems, as some issues are shoved under the rug.
Family therapist Virginia Satir pointed out that indirect, unclear, vague, dishonest, distorted, and incomplete communication is unhealthy. The family tends to be less nurturing due to their inability to communicate well. This results in low self-esteem of the members, making them more vulnerable during stressful times when it comes to family change and concerns.
The last kind refers to open communication. It is the healthier way to deal with our family members. And we should always strive to enhance our relationships with each one. No matter how grueling it may be or how much humility and openness is entailed, it is important that we work on having a healthy exchange of communication.
In healthy communication, rules and expectations are relevant and appropriate, and they nurture a clear interchange of information, thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Each person finds ease in being who he is in the family. Family members thus have a better understanding and acceptance of each other—both strengths and limitations– with the self-esteem of each nurtured.
Through healthy patterns, the family can cope well with both high and low moments and with big and small challenges. They are connected by communication, and they know, in their hearts and minds, that they will be there for each other, no matter what!
The article first appeared in Family Reborn August 2016, but has since been updated.