This topic is emotionally-laden and heavy to discuss. This is a practice that most of us don’t realize that we are guilty of: overfunctioning. This comes from the two words over and function. Overfunctioning is overdoing one’s roles and tasks to the extent of taking on the roles and functions of others. Oftentimes, overfunctioning is well-meaning and well-intentioned. Perhaps many of us do it out of love and self-sacrifice because we do not like seeing our loved ones have a difficult time. Perhaps it is simply your nature to be caring. But what most of us don’t realize is that when we overfunction, we disable the people around us. The bigger threat here is that it is often very hard to recognize as this is possibly deeply ingrained in the family system.
Overfunctioning has the twisted belief that other people will be unable to survive without you. This is believing that others will be unable to function without your aid. A person who overfunctions has the following characteristics: has a need to be needed, clingy, and tends to anchor one’s self in the relationships he keeps. If you feel like some of these hit the bull’s eye for you, check your intention for helping. What is your motivation to help? Be sure it is coming from a good and healthy place.
Now, I will address the individuals who are likely to be more vulnerable to overfunctioning, mothers. Moms, the goal is to raise our children to not need us, as painful as that may sound. What are some of the classic tendencies of an overfunctioning mom?
First is making sure that people around you do their own thing, sometimes even the smallest tasks like waking up or taking a bath. Second, the existence of the habit of preparing the world for your child so they barely have to move a finger. What are the things that your child and spouse are perfectly capable of doing but you insist on doing for them? Third, planning for family members and other people even without taking into account their opinion. Fourth, nagging people and constantly reminding them to do their tasks or chores. Fifth, ascribing your standards to others. I have reiterated time and again how crucial it is to allow people around you, especially your children, to make their own mistakes. Let them learn from these so they can grow and master a new skill. Lastly, you are surrounded by people who are dependent, not empowered, and disengaged. This is where you’ll notice how the simplest tasks can seem daunting. Small chores like choosing an outfit or doing the groceries are found too be taxing.
So what do we do when we find ourselves overfunctioning? First, observe the dynamics in your relationships. Be more conscious of the activities that you are doing too much that you’re beginning to step on the boundaries and self-worth of those around you. Second, also be wary of doing too little that you let everyone else around you decide. When it comes to food, you always have your children get their way. Never forget that you, too, have your voice. Lastly, be willing to stay with the discomfort and allow people to be responsible for themselves.
Remember that balance is key. Learn how to set boundaries and refuse to let the “I” merge with the “you” and “we”. Realize that your children have a life of their own. Choose to sit with the discomfort of seeing your loved ones go through some difficulty because it is through these that they will grow, learn, and become empowered. – WITH PAU DE VERA