“I don’t want my children to go through what I did when I was younger” is a line you may have heard one way or another. It’s a line usually uttered by parents who have experienced difficulty in their growing up years. While I understand the intention behind the statement, please remember that as parents, to raise independent adults is a great accomplishment.
When you try to make your child’s life easier by helping, make sure you are not over-parenting or going overboard because it can do more harm than good. Just like you, I love my kids and want the best for them but I would never want to set the stage for failure.
Every time you feel the tug to help and you find yourself cringing at the sight of them having a hard time, ask yourself: “Is this experience normative stress, something temporary, or is it causing severe distress that can affect them totally?”
If it is the former, perhaps this is a golden opportunity to learn and one that should be grabbed. The question here is: How willing are you to step back to allow this experience to teach your child? We cannot cushion our children forever so it would be better to equip them with the necessary skills for those days that we aren’t around for them.
Here are some helpful tips:
Listen to your kids: Sometimes, the simple act of listening is more than enough. There isn’t even a need to step in and interfere. I remember when my son, Migo, went through an overwhelming experience. He was worrying over his book report, quizzes, and basketball practice happening in a single day. He had too much on his plate and he was crying. “It’s just too much Mom!” But Migo pulled through. He managed to do well that day. He was able to find some spare time during his recess to finish his book report, do well in his quizzes, and attend his basketball practice. Allowing life to take its natural course surprised Migo with the learning that he is more resilient and capable than he initially thought. As a mother, I listened to Migo and it turned out to be ample support.
Teach them problem-solving skills: Challenging experiences allow our children to think outside the box. These equip them with creativity, resilience, and patience. Problem-solving skills are essential not only in the academic scene but in real life as well, so why would you rob them of the opportunity to hone this?
Teach them negotiation skills: This builds their interpersonal communication. This allows them to practice how to resolve conflicts and builds their emotional quotient because the experience forces them to manage their emotions. This is also precisely why I do not step in when my children fight because those simple experiences teach them about how crucial it is to know to face and handle their own battles.
Help them manage expectations: When certain experiences can potentially be painful, be honest about it. Don’t shield them from reality. Let them know that life is hard because it is! Instead of shielding them from the difficult experiences you had as a child, share these stories with them because it will enable them to appreciate what they have. Difficulties can be blessings in disguise. When they complain about gadgets with minimal memory, let them! If their gadgets are equipped with all the memory they need, they might use all the storage space to download everything they want, leading to more unwanted screen time and less time for things that actually matter like studying or helping with chores.
Do not manipulate your child’s world: If they dislike a teacher, let them. This teaches them that there are different personalities in the world and while they aren’t required to like each one, they should learn how to act with respect. The world will always present challenges; teach your children how to deal with them. Choose not to manipulate the educational system for your children; look at the bigger picture. This new normal isn’t also easy for educators because this also presents us with the opportunity to become more compassionate.
Allow them to play: If they want to engage in pretend-play, let them do so. Let them be creative. You have no idea how beautiful it is to see the world from the eyes of your child. This will enable you to not only bond with them but to understand things better from their perspective.
Don’t overreact: When your child is faced with a difficult experience, manage your reactions. Don’t overreact with grades and mistakes. Life can be difficult. Life can be mean. Perhaps the experience is presenting a teaching moment. So get your story right first (all versions possible!) and don’t jump into conclusions.
Be wary of investing too much: Don’t invest time in working on your child’s reviewer, because you are not the test-taker. Do not sit beside your child in his online classes especially if he is already old enough to manage himself. You are not the one enrolled. Be a guide and limit your involvement. Make it a habit to ask yourself: “Should I support or give them space?”
Teach them well: As parents, we are also life-long teachers. So teach your child the cause and effect of things. Real-life experiences provide a depth of learning material, so allow them to be immersed in the rollercoaster of life.
I know that parents’ hearts come from a good place. But it is crucial for parents to be cheerleaders instead of actual players. Let them play their own game in life. This way, we’ll take comfort knowing that even without us, our children will not falter. They will not be so easily defeated when they encounter obstacles. They are equipped with the necessary skills and mindsets to recognize that life challenges are temporary and that they are competent enough to overcome and grow from them. – WITH PAU DE VERA