I am a mother of three kids, the youngest being the only rose. I am thankful because both our sons, aged 15 and nine, love their sister very much. However, I noticed that our second child started to envy the attention that we give to his sister who is only two years old. Once, he even said that although he cares for his sister, he wished she wasn’t born so he would still be the “baby” in the house. Lately, he resorts to doing naughty things to get our attention. We are guilty of spoiling him when he was younger and now I think we are reaping what we sowed.
How should we deal with this?
Thanks and God bless!
Diane
Dear Mommy Diane,
I honor you for ensuring the welfare of each of your children. Your middle child manifests attention-seeking behavior. It is good for you to be aware that this could have been the result of giving him too much attention, to the point of being “spoiled” during his younger years. Aside from giving too much attention to the little princess in the house, check your patterns, words, and actions. If everything you do is always in favor of the baby girl (e.g. “We cannot do that because baby.” “Do not touch that it’s baby’s.” etc.), your younger son might feel a need to be noticed. Raising two or more kids is a great balancing act. One should not feel that he is less at the expense of the other.
Check your goals for your son. Is it to unspoil him? Is it to ease his unhealthy attention-seeking behavior? Is it to give ample attention?
If it is to unspoil him, then do call his attention lovingly when misbehavior occurs. Explain to him why it should not be done and why it is not acceptable. Agree on set consequences if such are repeated.
If your goal is to ease his unhealthy attention-seeking behavior, make a conscious effort to also point out what he is doing right when you call out his mistakes. Instead of highlighting the not-so good things, note how he is helping out at home, playing with his sister.
The end goal is to give him appropriate love, affection, affirmation, and attention. You need to boost his self-esteem so he will feel capable and special, despite having a new member in the family. Affirm his strengths, note his efforts, ask him to help out at home, enhance the image of a “big brother,” look for what he is good at, and give special time for him alone. All these will ensure that he is appreciated, he is special, and he is given due time. Guard against giving in to his whims and irrational demands so as not to cultivate his sense of entitlement.
This is not something you can change overnight. Yet with patience, prayers, and positive parenting hacks, you can make it work. Praying all will be well for you and your three kids.
Love,
Ichel
This article originally appeared in Kergyma December 2016, but has since been updated.