I am a mother of two young boys and four and seven years old. I have been observing my eldest for some time now because I see signs of effeminacy in him. I am afraid that he will grow up to be gay.
My husband, who’s been working abroad since our eldest was four years old, does not know about this yet. I fear that he might blame me for our son’s behavior because when I was pregnant with him, I was very fond of a gay actor. Does this have any bearing on my son’s behavior? How can I make my son act like a real boy?
Please help me.
Connie
Dear Mommy Connie,
Your sons are blessed to have a concerned mom.
However, we cannot say yet that your oldest is growing up gay. Only he can declare his gender preference once he is aware of his identity. Growing up without a male figure, as your husband is away, is possibly a reason for his being effeminate. Since your boys are exposed only a mom, how you are to them can affect their pattern of thinking, acting, and behaving. Your fondness for a gay actor while you were pregnant may not have directly affected your son, but your own way of thought, words, and habits could, by being immersed in the actor’s ways. This is probably the modeling that your son grew up with. A self-check is called for, along with identifying the environment your son is growing up in, if his influences are mostly from males or females.
If your husband feels you are to be blamed for it, do not be too hard on yourself. There is such a thing as nature (your child is born that way) and nurture (the child is affected by his environment). Seeking help and getting the cooperation of his father would be more beneficial for all.
You have to be more open to your husband about how your son is growing up.
Despite his being away, both of you play an important role in child-rearing. Relay to him all the happenings – both the good and the bad – in order for him to be connected with your family’s welfare. Find ways in which your husband can be more involved with your son and vice versa. Technology is at your fingertips, so use it to help develop a father-son relationship despite the distance.
You can help your son develop his true self more by being more in tune with “who” he is as a person, his interests, and his character. In the same way, your husband can have a regular time for them to communicate and get to know each other. Also, help your son develop good relationships with male family members or friends who can serve as male role models for him.
No matter how your son grows up to be, be open and accepting of who he is. At the end of the parenting journey, we want our kids to be self-fulfilled, self-reliant, and very good individuals inside and out. It is “being a good person and fulfilling the mission God has destined for him” that is the essence of it all.
Best,
Ichel
This article first appeared in Kerygma, 23 September 2013.