Let me start by asking you this question: “How’s your married life?”
I am sure you’d want to say, “Great!”
People who get married hope that their marriage will stay forever. However, the reality is that forever seems elusive and too far-fetched for many couples.
To say that one’s marriage is great can be a hard thing to do sometimes. When you have to attend to too many matters in life, or when you and your spouse have so many differences, it is so much harder to answer with confidence, “My marriage is great!”
So what makes a great marriage?
TWO DIFFERENTIATED INDIVIDUALS
Marriage is made of two persons: a man and a woman. Note my emphasis on the word “differentiated.” The term is crucial to a family’s success. Murray Bowen, a family therapist, defines “differentiation of self” as when the individual has a fully-developed “self,” established from his growing-up years and environment. One’s early family relationships determine how much “self” a person develops. A well-differentiated individual possesses clarity of thoughts, rationale, and emotions, without being susceptible to external pressure for conformity or for approval of the people around him.
Bowen says, “A person with a well-differentiated ‘self’ recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear-headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.”
Two well-differentiated individuals in marriage may not come out as perfect, yet they are able to facilitate decision-making by thoughtfully acquired principles and not through spur-of-the-moment feelings. These two persons — lovers in marriage — are able to live though their decisions and actions, consistent with what they say or do. Each is confident and defined by the “self” and is less pressured by simply submitting to the partner.
A great marriage is not about two people completing each other. A great marriage is about complementing each other and helping the individual “self” to grow — and not be smothered — in the process.
SIMILARITY OF TRAITS AND VALUES
Many people would say that opposites attract. Yes, and it could be about attraction alone. Attraction is the outward, emotional component of a relationship, the “what draws you” to your lover. But let us look deeply into the relationship by delving into “what draws and keeps you drawn” to the other. And then we move into the similarity of some important qualities of the person. Despite some differences, it has been noted how the similarities in the important traits and values become the cohesive factor that keeps two individuals in their marriage.
When married couples are deadlocked in their issues and decisions, it is their values that are given the most weight. Thus, it is good for couples to clarify their values in the marriage. They need to be aligned on what they hold most important in their marriage. Values can include their faith and spiritual life, family bonding, values on money and finances, the education and well-being of children, and so on. If the couple is clear on their most important traits and values, their marriage will have clarity and a secure anchor.
A great marriage is not about being the same. It is about aligning and clarifying with each other the most important things they value in life.
WHAT YOU ENJOY DOING TOGETHER
In my graduate class on marriage and family, our professor asked us, “What will you go back to in the marriage when it is failing?” All of us in class attempted but were not able to give the answer. Our esteemed priest professor, through his years of counseling and witnessing marriages, said on point, “It is something you both enjoy doing.” We were stunned, but it makes a lot of sense.
When we entered the relationship prior to marriage, it is the things we enjoyed doing that drew us close to our beloved. When we are in the relationship, it is those things that we enjoy doing together that make the relationship stronger. When we get married, when we have kids, and bills are piling up, and issues are coming out, we take for granted the things we enjoyed doing as a couple. Too much of the marriage issues and life realities make us forget why we entered the relationship, to begin with. It is crucial to connect with your beloved in ways you both enjoy doing and even laugh about when you were in the courtship stage.
A great marriage is not just about holding hands and having date nights. It is about being young again and connecting with each other through the things you both enjoy doing together, and even laughing with each other. It is when you can say, “I have a great marriage ‘in spite of…’”
And so, we hope to continually accept and move around our differences.
We intend to be clear and align the values we hold dear.
We will do our best to always find time to enjoy and laugh together, no matter what life brings.
Reference: https://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/differentiation-of-self/
This article originally appeared in Family Reborn February 2017, but has since been updated.