I worked as an OFW for seven years and I just came back to the Philippines for good. My husband passed away nine years ago and I was left with our two children, the younger one is 15 years old. Though I want to be close to her, she’s aloof and she keeps ignoring my presence. I don’t know how to break the wall that she has placed between us. She’s closer to my sister and it pains me whenever I see how sweet she is with our other relatives, but she remains cold to me. Moreover, she blames me that she didn’t have parents while growing up. Is there a way to still save our relationship? What can I do to gain her affection and trust?
Hurting Mom
Dear Hurting Mom,
It’s sad to hear about your relationship with your daughter. The circumstances she faced while growing up may be too much for her to handle so her reaction is extreme anger.
Being away for nine years implies that you were mostly not around when she was developing and establishing relationships with significant people. Relationships don’t happen overnight. Your daughter is in the midst of adolescent changes. At this stage, we expect teens like her to sort themselves out – who they are, their values, and ideals. They are looking for significant people to identify with and to be role models. Her hormones, emotions, and even her persona are all changing abruptly. Everything is too fast for her to manage, including your husband’s death and you being back home. She may still be dealing with the loss of her father and confronting her unconscious and unresolved issues when you left for work abroad. It does not follow that if we bore our kids, we already have an emotional relationship with them. It may be true for infants, but at a certain age, we need to work deliberately to deepen our relationship with them, as they evolve to be different individuals and have more influences in life.
Fill yourself with love to start the healing process. Anchor yourself on God and get to know yourself again. Look into your own grid. If you have guilt issues about your family, try to let go of those. Why start with the self? You cannot give what you do not have. When relating and trying to win your daughter gets frustrating, it’s good if you are full and able to sustain your strength through the difficulty.
Make an effort to get to know your daughter again. If you need to ask for forgiveness, do it. Discover what her love language is. Once you know her love languages, along with her interests, exert your efforts there. Show her that you mean to make up for lost time and move forward to building a better relationship with her. Your love and sincerity, coupled with prayers and letting go of hate and resentment in your words and actions, will slowly win her back.
Think of this stage as a purging and growing up process for you both. When we are down, there is no way but up.
Love,
Ichel
This article first appeared in Kerygma, July 2017, but has since been updated.