I have a seven-year-old adopted son. I haven’t revealed to him that he is adopted, but his classmates have been teasing him. Maybe it’s because he looks differently from his brothers who also study in the same school.
Recently, the teasing has aggravated to blatant bullying. One day, he came home crying. He didn’t eat at all the whole day because one of his classmates got his “baon” (packed lunch and sandwiches). He was afraid to tell his teacher because his classmates, the bully, threatened that he would tell the whole class that he is adopted. I didn’t tell him the truth because I feel he isn’t ready to handle it yet.
What shall I do?
Mama Cee
Dear Mama Cee,
Thank you for your openness regarding this sensitive matter. You have two important areas of concern here: your son’s adoption and the bullying incident. The bullying may be a manifestation of significant issues that need to be resolved – and that is your son’s true identity and feelings of self-worth.
Children are bullied for varied reasons – seeming meek, weak, unsure of themselves or something “different” in them attracts the bullies. The bottom line is the child’s sense of self-worth – his perception of himself and identity that is affirmed by the significant people around him.
Regarding the bullying, inform your son’s teachers and school counselor about it. They are the best persons to address the situation. You may request for an intervention plan for the bully and your son. It would also help if you give them an idea about your son’s identity. Ask for utmost confidentiality in handling the situation. That way, any concern that your son may manifest in the future may be handled appropriately.
The more important issue you need to handle is your son’s adoption overlapping with his self-worth issue. Gauge his maturity in understanding matters and in handling critical situations. You may say he is not ready, but this is the best time for him to know about his true identity. You just need to prep him and use age-appropriate language and approaches in discussing it. Ask him questions on his feelings and insights about adoption in order for you to get an idea on what he knows. Listen to his feelings and insights. The fact that he is asking likely means he is ready for the truth. From what he says, move on to your story on how you had him. This should be appropriately handled so as to cushion the blow to your son. It is a process, not a one-shot deal. Assure him of your love and God’s plan for him to be part of your family.
Most adopted children seem to have a psychological feeling of neglect or being different. Many of them eventually have low self-worth. Thus, extra steps should be taken to ensure the child feels loved and accepted the way he is.
Spend time with him regularly to build a positive relationship and establish confidence in himself and in you. Boost his self-esteem by recognizing his competence and emphasizing his strengths both at home and in school. Check also your own self-worth and see if you are being a positive parent to him.
This is a long process. Many concerns may come up in line with it. Be consistent and open. Boost your parenting skills by reading books, consulting with other adoptive families, or seeking professional help.
God is with you!
Love,
Ichel
This article first appeared in Kerygma February 2013, but has been updated.