Placed in an uncomfortable situation with other people when with your kids? Here are powerful tips in handling them with tact and confidence.

PLAYDATE RULES

Q: “We often have playdates at home. Should I still ask the other parents if their kids are allowed to eat what I serve?”

A: Most moms we talked to agree that it is a must to ask the other parents about certain food restrictions of their kids. Kathy Nachura-Santos, M.A., a guidance counselor at Miriam College Child Study Center, and Karla De Guzman, preschool director at Colegio Sto. Domingo, adds, “Some parents might have certain limitations with their children, and it is important to acknowledge them.”

PLAYGROUND BATTLES

Q: “My child likes playing in public playgrounds, but sometimes, other kids push or hurt my child. How do I deal with this?”

A: De Guzman suggests initiating a chat with the other child about his favorites. She explains, “When kids realize they have common interests and can actually enjoy each other’s company, they will see each other as a potential playmate.” If others inflict serious harm on your child, Maribel Dionisio, M.A., parenting-relationship expert of The Love Institute, advises: “First, ask your own child what really happened. This will help determine the facts.” She stresses that parents should “make a mental note not to judge or blame the other child. It may help to clear things with the other child or request his parent or guardian to ask his child about the incident.”

Internist Gelen Sunga, M.D., did just that when her daughter Gaby, 4, emerged from the play area with a bleeding mouth. After getting the facts from her child, she calmly reminded the offender to play appropriately. “His parents were not around when it happened. Had they been, I would have talked to them, too, since their child caused serious harm.”

Charisse Yap’s daughter Bianca was hit by a child in gym class. Charisse let the little one handle things by herself. “After the incident, I ‘reviewed’ the event with her. I praised her for not hitting back and told her to just find a ‘nice friend’ to play with.”

As keen observers, kids easily grasp what they see more than what they hear. We are our children’s best models.

THE COMPETITIVE MOMMY

Q: “At our group get-togethers, one often dominates the table as she harps her kid’s achievements. How can I make our group conversation ‘dynamic’?”

A: Nachura-Santos says mothers are naturally proud of their children’s achievements, thus you can “acknowledge a friend’s raves with statements such as ‘Ang galing naman!’” And then ask another mom something related to the topic. De Guzman suggests using statements such as “How about your daughter? I heard she won _____!” This way, others will have a chance to share their stories.

BREAKING POINT

Q: “During a party at a friend’s house, my child broke a glass. Should I offer to replace it, or is an apology enough?”

A: Maita Ramos-Lee, mom to Kenna, 8, and Kief, 2, says, “The child must apologize and so must the parents.” Frances Magtoto, lecturer and mom to Ivanna, 3, considers it a must to say sorry and to ask your friend what could be done. “Offer to replace them if possible — a replacement or a gift with a heartfelt note will suffice.” Dionisio validates their point and says apologizing and replacing the broken item “connote the value of the friendship.”

Had my own son done it, I would consider it my responsibility as a mom to coach my child in expressing regret to the celebrator. From a counselor’s viewpoint, this is fitting time for a child to be responsible for his actions and learn the logical consequences of his misdeed.

DEALING WITH A BULLY

Q: “My child recently came home crying because a classmate had called him names. The next day, I saw the bully at the school gates. I was torn between talking to the child and informing the teacher.”

A: “I recommend that you first ask the child the specifics of what really happened,” stresses Nachura-Santos. Then, inform the teacher of the incident so she can investigate and talk to the other child involved. De Guzman adds, “It is also the teacher’s job to let the offending child’s parents know of his misdeed.”

There have been situations where the parents approached their child’s bully, resulting in fear and distress for the other child. Some cases even led to a conflict between the parents themselves.

Ivy Jaca, mom to Robie, 4, quips, “Tell the teacher! She is the best person to handle this kind of conflict. ‘Wag patulan ang away-bata!”

TANTRUM TAMER

Q: “My child threw a tantrum while in a toy store. How do I handle it in case it happens again? I’m worried about the stares I’ll get from others.”

A: Nachura-Santos suggests initially identifying the reason for the tantrum, and then calmly speaking to your child and moving him to another place where he can let off steam. Likewise, De Guzman says, “Tell your child you will wait until he is ready to talk. It should be clear from the start that tantrums will get kids nowhere near what they want, but if they would talk and listen, they might get a good — if not even better — deal.” You also need to maintain calmness, consistency, and composure, and use well-meaning words when handling tantrums. Karla Fider-Santos, mom to Elise, 5, Catrisse, 3, and Lia, 9 months, says, “If talking to her does not work, I let her be. She will eventually cool down. If others are watching, that is not my problem.”

COMPARING KIDS

Q: “An uncle likes to compare the looks and achievements of my kids to those of other children in the clan — within their earshot. This makes me uncomfortable. Help!”

A: De Guzman says the best way to handle it is by “inserting praises for those whose talents, accomplishments, and positive qualities were underplayed. There is always something nice to say about every child.”

Aiza Tabayoyong, mom to Rocio, 4, and Roman, 2, assures her kids that all children are special — without sounding hostile to the senior kin. Fider-Santos agrees, adding that she tries not to go down to his level and still accords due respect while stating, “Hindi naman, Tito.” She exclaims, “If I don’t defend them, my kids would remember — and I’d be the mom who didn’t defend her children.”

This article has been updated, but first appeared in Smart Parenting May 2011.