Toxic relationships are not healthy for our whole being. At times, it may not be person who is toxic but the family dynamics. If this is confusing, imagine a family being under one emotional skin. So whatever one member feels, the others are also affected.
There are a number of toxic family dynamics that we need to understand.
- Splitting: Toxic individuals plant seeds of jealousy and resentment. These people tend to be nice in front of you but when backs are turned, things are different. They pit people against one other. They stir issues in otherwise very calm relationships.
- Triangulation: These are two family members going against one. It can also be two fighting family members using a third person to communicate. In any given scenario, triangulation happens when a third person is caught in the middle. Being in that awkward position is very toxic.
- Chronic disrespect: This is the invisible pressure of always having to prove one’s self to the family and never being enough. It’s experiencing disrespect with every movement, even positive behaviors. It’s never knowing how to act around certain individuals because all they see is negativity which makes them act disrespectfully.
- Pathological lying: This person lives in a world of lies. This may have been brought about by a dysfunction in his psyche. It may also be the result of all the insecurities he’s dealing with. In his pursuit to evade his emotions and personal issues, he refuses to acknowledge the true state of his self-worth.
- Aversion to boundaries: Some people react negatively when they are put in their place. Boundaries need to be set and respected.
- Refusal to apologize: These people can do no wrong. They aren’t capable of seeing things from other’s perspective. They are too proud to take responsibility for their action or inaction.
- They take no responsibility and blame others: Some people want to control the family because that’s where their worth is anchored.
- They are verbally offensive: This is about calling people names, failing to take responsibility for themselves, and seeming to want to inflict intentional harm.
Knowing these, how do we move forward?
- Learn how to spot the patterns and how they affect you. Sometimes we become emotionally and physically sick because of what’s happening.
- Reinstate your worth and value. When you recognize abuse, declare: “I am worth more than this!”
- If the other person wants to work on the relationship, opt for a reconciliation. Begin by talking about the effects of his action. If it doesn’t work out, reconcile internally. Know that you do not have the power to change the other person so acceptance is crucial. Whether or not you hear an apology, forgive. What’s important is for you to have peace.
- Revise: If you don’t want a repetition of the dynamics, then revise. It takes conscious effort not to pass down toxic habits.
- Re-parent yourself. Stop blaming your parents for the things they did or failed to do. Stop asking them to keep doing things for you.
In toxic relationships, we have to remove fear and pity so we can retool ourselves better. If there is love in the family, you would like healthy and appropriate growth for all. – WITH PAU DE VERA
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