Today is my 18th wedding anniversary. It feels surreal and I find it so hard to imagine how I’ve been married for this long already. So today, I would like to share the lessons I’ve learned in all the years I have spent married to my spouse, Koots.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, I urge you to read on as you will find valuable insights. A good marriage isn’t brought on by a stroke of luck! It takes a great deal of effort as marriage is in a constant state of flux.
Lesson #1: LOVE IS NOT CONSTANT, ONLY CHANGE IS
Real love requires us to continue choosing love despite not having loving feelings all the time. Staying in love is a process and a choice. It is not automatic. Couples tend to forget this basic truth when they get busy with life – raising children, building a career, and working on personal goals. But you see, putting work into the relationship is just as important. This isn’t something that should only come during birthdays, Valentine’s day, or special events. Allow caring for your relationship to be an integral part of your everyday routine. Put in the same level of effort in your relationship as you do with your other priorities. Marriage demands deliberate effort to keep love alive.
Lesson #2: RESOLVE CONFLICTS BUT CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES
Over the years, my husband and I have hurdled so many issues. I learned that while conflicts exist, many of these issues do not have to escalate to a full-blown battle. Sometimes, they exist simply to reveal differences. They are invitations for us to sit together and understand where you both stand on a certain issue. It is a learning opportunity that challenges us to look deep within ourselves. This is to better understand where disagreement is stemming from. Life experience and time taught me that not all things that I want to understand will make sense to me at a time that I want to comprehend it. Sometimes, realizations and eureka moments take time. Another important thing that I’ve learned about conflicts is that apologizing is of little value if it is not equipped with change. Saying sorry comes with accountability and a sense of responsibility. Couples are encouraged to find ways on how to work on the relationship, to never slack off, because wanting to be better comes with the price of real effort and perseverance.
Lesson #3: ACKNOWLEDGE THE REASON FOR THE SEASON
Human beings are wired to compare but you have to catch yourself when you’re doing it. Realize that every family is different and that we all have our seasons. We have unique struggles and are moving through unique timelines. Do not compare newlyweds with a couple raising kids. They are faced with very different challenges as they are at very different points in their lives. Always make the most out of your season. Embrace your partner for the season he is in. We all breeze through and go as time rolls by; it is ultimately up to us how we’ll choose to spend our days with our loved ones.
Lesson #4: CONTINUE THE ROMANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER!
If you stop flirting, well, unfortunate things can happen! Women, continue flirting with your husbands! Men, continue winning her heart and pursuing her. Don’t fall into the trap of complacency. This can lead to you taking each other for granted. Don’t get stuck in your season, no matter how busy or challenging it may be! Be proactive in caring for your marriage. Keep the kilig! When students tell me that they find my relationship with my spouse sweet, I tell them that it takes work. One of my former students asked my husband for a tip on how to keep the spark. His answer still sends butterflies to my stomach! He said, “Why should I settle for a spark when I can have a fire?” This is true. Don’t fall into the trap of doing the bare minimum.
Lesson #5: KEEP THE LORD IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, ANY RELATIONSHIP IS USELESS WITHOUT THE LORD IN THE CENTER.
They say that marriage is not two people looking at each other’s eyes. It is having both eyes fixed onto the Lord. Let me share a prayer I’ve loved since my dating and pre-marriage days with Koots: “Lord, make us grow more in love with you so we can radiate Your love to each other.”
Character is more important than chemistry. While chemistry will pull two people together, it is character which will help the couple through challenges. As important as character is, chemistry fulfills a part in keeping a marriage beautiful. Continue taking action. Work on the bond and the romance. Choose to sit down, tune out the world, and connect with your partner as often as you can. Do it every single day. Work on your marriage as often as you would work on everything else that you hold closest to you. – WITH PAU DE VERA