The proposed divorce bill has brought on various conversations from pro- and anti-divorce groups.
Whether you are joining these conversations or not, it is best to go back to what really matters—your married life.
I believe that neither divorce nor separation is the solution. It is marriage preparation. I am speaking about normative marriages or those without critical issues like abuse or chronic psychosocial concerns. So if you are often squabbling about being late or not putting back the towel where it belongs, there is no need to pursue divorce.
Marriage is hard work—a lot of it! Here are some ways that you can make your marriage work and—hopefully—for keeps
Check your personal characteristics which are risk factors for divorce
Scott M. Stanley, Ph.D., made a study of individual traits prone to end marriage, and this he shared in an article, which was published in Psychology Today. The traits include couples who married at a young age (below twenty-two years old), those with lower education (college and lower), those with separated parents or those who never married, those with personalities that are extra reactive to stress and emotion, those with previous marriages that have ended; those who have had premarital sex or cohabitation other than their spouse, and those with very low income. If you have any of these traits and are married, the challenge is to be aware of them so you can equip yourself better.
Be aware of couple characteristics which have been linked to marriage breakup
Each person brings his own individual patterns and competencies into the marriage which somehow affects how he is as part of a married couple. These are called couple characteristics, and some are risk factors for divorce. This includes having a child together prior to marrying, living together before marrying, poorer communication and conflict management, and having different religions and races.
Some of these are static or unchangeable while some are changeable or dynamic. After coming into an awareness that you are at risk, what next?
Consciously work on the marriage
There is definitely more to a marriage than consciously holding hands, having sex, and going out on dates.
Work on the risk factors that you are in control of—the dynamic ones, in particular. Most of the individual traits you or your partner have brought into the marriage are static. Yet, these static matters have underlying issues that may need to be addressed.
A person with separated parents may have an unconscious mindset or a less relational competency than someone who came from a stable family. He can work on his family-of-origin patterns to increase his ability to sustain a healthier relationship.
A personality that is extra reactive to stress and emotion means the person may have intrapersonal concerns needing specialized help. Doing so does not mean the person is not normal. However, he has to continuously work on himself to be better and have a better marriage.
Couple characteristics such as poorer communication and conflict management, as well as the couple’s varied religions and races, are agreeably risk factors. The couple dynamics on communication and conflict management are the keys to ensuring a healthy marriage. Once this is part of the ongoing dynamics, this could help couples re-tool themselves in navigating the trivial and the more difficult challenges of marriage and family life.
As much as you think that having different religions or races is no-brainer, it is not where you belong that will affect the marriage. Coming from varied backgrounds, especially values and races, means you do things differently. Take note that you are wired by your religion and culture to have certain belief systems, and put value on certain things peculiar to your background. Imagine being married to someone who has a different wiring, and that is usually when conflicts over preferences come.
If you are single, let this serve you well by considering these points in wanting to marry for the wrong reasons. If you are married and at risk, then make this as your guide.
Yes, you need to work on the marriage and not let these risk factors give you an excuse not to do anything or just throw in the towel and call it quits. If you are happily married, the more you should find ways to make your marriage not only good but great and life-giving.
I often say that marriage is a verb—just like love. Our state today may not be the same tomorrow. So married couples need to continue to rekindle the desire for their partners. Then they should have more intent and deliberate effort to have a satisfying marriage.
Keep in mind, that the best thing you can give your children is a happy marriage—so it is up to us to make it work!
Reference:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sliding-vs-deciding/201503/7-ways-make-yourself-divorce-pro
This article first appeared in Family Reborn, March 2018, but has since been updated.