In more ways than one, we may have taken for granted the time we spend with our family. We offer excuses: “I do not have time.” “I’m busy that day!” “I lack time!”
When we have time, like being together during family dinners, Sunday Mass, and other special activities, we feel that we are actually giving our family our precious time. But does “quality time” build the essential connection we want to have with our family members? Does our time of togetherness have both quality and quantity?
With our mobile phones and lots of apps to stay in touch with family members, we feel that it is easy for us to connect, that they are just a message away. And so those seeming connections may have caused us to take for granted the actual time we spend with the most important people in our lives: our family.
This appears to be the template of many families — set routines and physically spend time together but with each member busy on the phone or gadget and not really engaged with one another. There is no actual intent to elevate the relationship at least one notch higher.
If we assume that quality time is better and that it can compensate for quantity, it’s about time we take a second look at it. Try to imagine when issues erupt within your family. For example, a daughter gets pregnant. What kind of relationship will you have with your spouse, or kids, or even siblings, if you did not invest time and effort to cement and build your relationships with one another? Will the crisis bring you closer to one another or will it break your family apart?
For the many busy families, it’s best to look into the actual time we spend with the people we love. We need to look into some opportunities in our week which we can turn into “connection moments” — moments to bond and have special focus on our loved ones. Here are some examples of connection moments.
1. Dining table and meal times
Studies reveal that family meal times are important for fostering connection. Sadly, though, in many families, mealtimes are no longer spent just for eating and relating with one another. Instead, it is often used as a time to connect with the “outside” world through gadgets and television. In other houses, it is also becoming a time to make sermon and correct younger members of the family.
A lawyer and a public servant, who is also a dad of five kids, shared with me that when he was the town mayor, he did not compromise his dinnertime with his family. If he had commitments in the evenings, it should happen after dinner. This he did while the kids were growing up. He said, “In our home, dinner time is sacred. I am their dad, not the mayor, and I get to know them by conversing.”
Let’s bring the magic of mealtimes in our homes. Make it a time that one can look forward to – not just the food but for bonding with one another. Make it a time to update one another on what’s happening in their lives. Turn it into a light moment, and of course, make a no-distraction policy for all — no screens and gadgets allowed — so they can feel that the focus is on being together.
2. Car rides or daily traffic
Another father who raised his children well made use of the time he drove for his children as an opportunity to get to know them more. He said that when his children would talk and rant whenever he picked them up from school, he would not butt in. Rather, he listened to their rants and stories, especially if some of his kids’ classmates would ride with them. “It is how I get to know what is happening to them. If I spoke right away, they would keep things from me.”
A mom shared with me how they loved car rides because she and her kids did not have the choice but to share and spend time together by talking. They are trapped in the car and so best thing to do is to make it an uplifting experience for all.
Rather than grunt about being late and the heavy traffic, it would be best for families to shift gears and use it as an opportune time to talk about the world outside, what they think and feel on some issues, and spend time together.
3. Doing errands and chores
If you think you lack time, make use of your errands and house chores to bond with a family member. Of course, parents like me, especially moms, want to get things done right away. Dads, on the other hand, would like to be on their own. Yet, if it is not possible in our very hectic schedule to have focused time with them, then we can share with them our time for errands and chores.
When shopping for groceries, I prefer being on my own because it speeds up the process and I use it as my “me” time. But if I need to spend extra time with my kids or husband, and they insist on coming with me, I tweak the time as our family time. We chat, laugh, and help each other while going through the aisles. I ask questions about the vegetables and make them count some items we are getting. At times when my husband needs to bring the car for a carwash, he takes my son to bond with him.
It may need some refocusing. But looking for the tucked-away free time to spend with the people important to you is possible. Keep the mindset that it not just about being together in one place and time, but that “time” is about investing in building relationships with our family members.
All these entail these C’s:
Clarity of intent. That such period of time is for your loved ones, and because they are important to you, you are making space for them in your busy life.
Consistency. The relationship will flourish if there is something to look forward to each week. If the people you love know that you are plotting this period of time, be clear and do it consistently. Make it untouchable for all of you.
Creativity. Do not say you do not have time — find time. Be creative on where and how. For relationships to thrive, our loved ones need to feel that we are present.
Time is both a love language and a gift to our family. That is why we need to be there — mind, body, and spirit. That is why our intent to spend time on that moment is our “presence in the present.”