Intimacy is not a word usually thrown around in everyday conversations. In my line of work, however, it’s something we often unpack and discuss. Many associate intimacy with physical and sexual undertone but it’s so much more than that. Intimacy is the ability to form deep connections.
In Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, he said that any romantic relationship has three aspects – passion, commitment, and intimacy. Passion refers to the butterflies in your stomach, the wanting to be with your loved one. Commitment is the will and choice to pursue the relationship. Lastly, intimacy is about forming a deeper connection. The ideal situation is for all these three aspects to be present in the relationship.
Intimacy requires our self-awareness. In Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development, he said intimacy emerges in young adulthood with our wanting to foster deep, committed, and close relationships with other people. It goes beyond romantic relationships as it includes enduring friendships outside the family. But for us to form intimate connections, we must first be intimate with ourselves. Otherwise, how can we get intimate with someone else?
Self-awareness is crucial in a relationship. This is one of the reasons why many relationships fail. Many people get into relationships at such a young age without a clear understanding of who they are. They thus grow old not knowing themselves beyond the relationship and dislike being alone.
Self-differentiation refers to being your own person, and relationships should never have to force us to be without the self. It should lead us to a deeper appreciation of who we are. Hence, our relationships should not complete us; they should complement us. Intimacy is a profound relationship with our spouse and is connected to knowing ourselves well.
How exactly do we ascertain that we are intimate with ourselves? Check how you treat yourself. Typically, those with dysfunctional relationships and patterns are those who lack intimacy with themselves. Check the quality of your relationships. It’s great to be married, it’s amazing to have kids, but how are your relationships with them? The quality of the relationships we share with other people is connected to how much we know ourselves. Being intimate requires that we dare to confront our weaknesses. Some people resort to infidelity because they find it more convenient to flirt and spend time with someone new than to carve time and effort to resolve issues with their spouse.
Some reminders on how to build intimacy in relationships:
- Strengthen your identity: Understand that you are a living organism and that you are in a constant state of change and evolution. Who you were five years ago may no longer be who you are today. So in all your areas and facets, get to know yourself.
- Do not lose your sense of self: Don’t lose yourself in the relationship because you’ll risk losing the relationship itself. We commit to the Lord to nourish the person we are with and this is made possible if we also nourish ourselves. We are not just our relationships.
- Be open to new relationships: Develop new friendships. Cherish the old ones but don’t box yourselves in them. Let go of those that are no longer nourishing and be open to forming new bonds. Be discerning.
- Understand that intimacy is dynamic. It is not a trait. It can change as we change. The deepening of the relationship is something that should continue. It doesn’t stop because of major life changes like childbirth, marriage, or a pandemic. These changes should inspire us to continuously form an intimate bond with ourselves and others because you just might wake up one day not knowing who you are or your partner.
- Intimacy is important. Many people fail to understand that intimacy can also serve as your buffer against issues and stressors. Intimacy is a very important aspect of our lives and our relationships. Intimacy can lead to self-fulfillment. It feels good to love. It feels good to be loved. It feels even better to know that we love ourselves. The love that we share with other people is supposed to be the overflow of love that we are getting from the love of the Lord and the love that we are pouring into ourselves.
Intimacy is not about giving our total selves to others. It is about appreciating our person and the other person in the relationship. – WITH PAU DE VERA
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash