I am having trouble understanding my seven-year-old son. He is usually sweet to everyone, especially to me, his father, and his older brother. However, once triggered, his temper can be quite alarming. He would just hit anyone, even those who are way older than him. He won’t apologize and insist that it’s the other person’s fault. Once during a family reunion, he shouted at my husband’s elder sister and almost slapped her.
Whenever we talk to him about his behavior, he promises not to throw tantrums again but he still acts the same. He can be extremely lovable at one moment, then irritable at the next. I’m worried that he may carry this attitude as he grows older.
How can I help my son in his behavior?
Thea
Dear Thea,
Kudos to raising a sweet son. Use this advantage by affirming his sweet and other specific positive qualities whenever he shows it.
Let me help you make a quick scan of your home realities. When he throws a tantrum, how do you deal with it? What do you say and do when you see him hitting other people? Do you give in to what he demands? Or do you fuss over his behavior? Doing so reinforces such behavior. For children, getting attention may be through positive or negative means.
Besides talking to him, do you agree and implement consequences for his misbehavior? Talking with him is a good start. Yet, at his age, when his self-control is developing, you need to continually set the framework for the expected behavior.
Discuss with him appropriate rules and how you expect him to be in different situations, particularly in social settings. Then agree on consequences if the rules are not met. For example, “If you throw a tantrum or hurt someone, we will not allow you to talk or be with us until you are ready to be more loving. We will put you in a ‘thinking corner’ until you are ready to behave properly and lovingly again.”
You need to be consistent in implementing the rules as well as in affirming him for his efforts if he behaves in a more positive manner. Know, too, that his misbehavior may recur. And so you need to keep reinforcing the good: “I like it that you behave this way.” Regularly remind him too of what is expected: “Remember, when we are with others, what are hands used for?” This will help your son re-learn patterns of behavior.
It is only through the help of positive and willing parents like you that children will know what the rules of loving behavior are.
This article first appeared in Kerygma, but has since been updated.