“Your relationship with yourself is the central template from which all others are formed. Loving yourself is a prerequisite to creating a successful union with another,” says author Cherrie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
Check out social media and see how many people constantly post selfies in well curated settings. Teenagers do this as part of their process of identity-building. But if adults do this (especially midlifers), there must be some underlying issues. Some of them may have the need for attraction, attention, and affirmation.
First, love yourself.
The quest for an authentic sense of of self tends to be elusive in the digital age. The more you want a good relationship or a great marriage, the more you should work on having an authentic self.
Hello, “Self”
Our authentic self is the real person inside us, the one made and loved by God despite and in spite of its weaknesses. It is free, or at least tries to be free, from pretensions, pride, insecurities, and unhealthy self-criticism. That “self” is the core of our being. It is the small sacred space inside us – the seat of God’s spirit within us.
But Carter-Scott pointed out that there’s also “you” or us. It is the observer and critic who regulates our thoughts, words, and feelings, including how much of our inner self we reveal outside.
The “you” may be influenced by external factors and may try to project an ideal self to attract others. But in a relationship, the real self often comes out to show love and deal with life. Conflict occurs when the person does not integrate a good relationship with the “self” and the “you.” The lack of a healthy relationship between the inner self and the “you” surfaces and becomes the pattern of our relationship with others.
So how can you grow your authentic self?
Accept who you are. People will know if you have a clear acceptance of your innateness. Accepting yourself includes acknowledging your strengths and limitations, the beautiful parts, and even the things that you do not like about yourself. It would make a big difference if you do not hide your flaws, but rather focus on your strengths, your unique beauty, and your parts that you like best.
Affirm your worth. A lot of teens and even adults are battling against low self-worth. I’ve seen so many women and men get into relationships thinking it can fill them up or complete them. Years later, the same lack of worth knocks them down and causes more harm to them and their partner. From accepting your strengths, affirm your worth, your uniqueness, the beauty of God’s image and likeness in you. Don’t compare yourself with others. The more you compare, the more you disregard your authentic self and the worth God has given you.
Authenticity brings action. If you accept your “self” and affirm your worth, you wouldn’t fall prey for the attention given to you by a possible partner. Other people would feel your sense of self: no “excess baggage,” less insecurity, and with a healthy self-love. You can attract anyone. Your outside beauty will radiate your inner confidence. Dealing with you is easy as you are clear with yourself. More importantly, you are not anchored on attracting someone – and the attention you receive is simply a result of self-love.
How to attract the right persons? First, love yourself, so you can be the best of who you are!
Let me end by sharing with you my prayer for a lifetime partner when I was 21, after working on myself: “Lord, give me someone who will never take away my sense of self!” And He did give me one, and we are continuously working on how to share our best self to each other!