Our kids are active participants in school culmination programs. One school year, our daughter Maia took part in a poem competition while our son Migo competed in the long speech program. Both of them wanted to practice. Both of them wanted to do their best.
For Maia, I recorded myself with the exact tone and diction of the poem we needed her to memorize, and she listened to it whenever she can. Days before her performance, she presented in front of the family. Afterwards, we talked to her about important areas she needed to improve on in her presentation. Maia is a natural performer, so we knew she will get the moves and emotions easily.
As for Migo, who is bigger and more matured, we allowed him to memorize and practice at his own pace. When it came time for him to present his speech to us, he seemed lethargic. It was as if he was speaking just for the sake of presenting. He made faces whenever we asked him to improve on his tone or diction. He even said, “But I am used to this!” The day before his contest, we had a heart-to-heart talk. I knew of his capacity, but he was not fulfilling his potential. We told him it wasn’t his classmates who were his competitors, but himself. We encouraged him to improve because we know that he could do so much more. Afterwards, he asked me to do my recording so he can listen to how I did it. He asked for our feedback as well, and I am happy to say that he gave his best in his performance.
I versus We
Emotional health in the family is very much connected to the fiber of our daily interactions. The older the family member is, the more it could get complicated. As a parent, I can boost my children’s performance by focusing on myself and the achievement: “You can do it! Make mommy proud!” Or I can choose to boost their emotional health as early as now and focus on them being aware of themselves and motivating them to be the best that they can be: “We know you well. We believe that you can do your best!”
As we grow older, our level of emotional health differs. There are a lot more issues to sift through with our loved ones, especially if there is a lack of a healthy emotional foundation.
“How come you are reacting that way? That is not what I meant to say.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth; I am not through with my statement yet!”
“I don’t know how to do it. What would my parents/spouse say if I failed?”
This happens at home, in loving relationships!
In some families, this maybe negligible to some degree. But in others, it may cause a rift between family members. In such cases, the “I” and the “We” play the role. The individual “I” affects his relationship with the family, that is the “We!” In the same breath, the “We” affects the emotional health of the “I.”
Believe in the best in our loved ones
One of my favorite family therapists, Virginia Satir, believes that the core of the relationship of every human is appreciating and respecting the individual “self.” A person’s emotional health is an element of his self-esteem. Satir believes that improving the self-esteem of a person is “the most important family functions, if not the most important one.” I agree.
Satir believes in the inherent goodness and growth potential of the individual.
Some kids may not be in touch with their potential, and the same maybe true with many adults as well. They are unaware or do not recognize the need to grow and fulfill their innermost potential, so they stagnate, are defensive, or make excuses for themselves and end up blaming others for how they are.
As a family, we are given the task to believe in the best in our loved ones. If they feel that we believe and we accept them the way they are, they feel good about themselves. They feel accepted. They feel that they can express who they really are. They feel whole – emotionally. In effect, a nurturing family seeks the best of the emotional health of each member, which is the key for each one to feel empowered to help themselves.
How do we describe an emotionally healthy person? He is authentic, either in relating with himself and others. He appreciates uniqueness of the self and others, is willing to take risks, is willing to be vulnerable, is open to intimacy, and feels free to accept himself and others. A person with healthy emotions has good self-awareness, is flexible, and is able to show himself.
How do we nurture these traits at home? Do not wait for others to do it to you – start with the “I” then later move to the “We.” Seek to nurture the family’s emotional heath no matter what stage we are in family life or what issues we may be having. We can start with our self, and then move on to another one day, one moment at a time.