Dear Ms Ichel,
I am a freelance photographer, married to a fine lady who works in a prestigious bank in the country. We have two young daughters and I have a daughter out of wedlock who’s now in college and whom I support financially as agreed upon with her mom’s family.
Right now, my wife and I are temporarily separated. We used to live in her parents’ house, but I moved out when they talked down on me and said hurtful things about my inability to provide for my family. My wife earns more than I do. It has been that way since we got married. She does not complain to me about it, but it seems she does to her parents.
I love my wife and my daughters. I want us to be together, but she does not want us to live in my parents’ house. My income is not sufficient, though, for us to rent a house or even an apartment or condo unit. I’ve been trying to market my services more aggressively but so far, no such luck. Sadly, these past months, my wife has not been speaking to me but only allows our kids to spend time with me during weekends.
What can I do to win my wife back?
Worried Dad-Husband
Dear Worried Dad-Husband,
Winning your wife is a very good intention. However, you need to have a clear game plan. You need to be more deliberate. You need to develop concrete goals as father-husband on how you will provide for your family. This is both about winning your wife through clear financial and work plans and winning her in terms of your relationship. It cannot be just one or the other.
As much as I understand your work predicament, it might be good to have an objective check on the market and your business strategy. I am no expert here, but I have friends from your industry. You could still pursue this work through other options. Consider applying for a full-time post as photographer for a company needing your expertise. Look at pursuing another business on the side which could increase your income. Explore different options for your professional development.
You cannot just sit down and wait for clients, despite aggressively marketing yourself. Because of the changes in your industry, the old ways of doing things might not be working anymore. And so you, as a person and as a professional, need to evolve.
The reality is that your growing family needs you. These financial responsibilities need to be addressed, not only for your family, but for your other daughter. You have to stop feeling that you’re making less than your wife, and take hold of your talents and ability to earn and use them to the fullest. Consult experts. Find mentors. Do what needs to be done.
Know that at times, it is not about the amount you earn that is the issue, but the effort you put into your work that you need to show your wife. You see, financial stability is one of the emotional needs of women. While your wife may be earning bigger, she needs to have the assurance that you have the intent of regularly and consistently providing for your family.
While you work on your career, you have to actively win your wife and woe her. Send something that she loves when you return the kids. Text her daily or send her emails. Invite her to have coffee with you. Bring back the romance. If you two will go out, be clear that it is just to spend time together — no talks about your sticky situation. Ensure, though, that you find time to sit down with her to assess how you both have been, and from there, try to have a good discussion on how you two can align your dreams, goals, and values that will connect to your financial life. It might be that you have grown differently, and your values and outlook for the financial well-being of your family are not on the same page. Since it is the manifestation of the issue, you need to clarify and work on it again.
These things happen. But with humility, openness, and deliberate moves, you can work on a better marriage and family life.
One with you in your family’s journey,
Michelle
This article first appeared in Family Reborn January 2017, but has since been updated.