I was once in a relationship with a married man but I decided to break up with him for good. We had a daughter who is now 11 years old. Our daughter is starting to ask about her father but I don’t know how to respond. I want to be honest with her without breaking my heart. Like all children, she looks forward to having a complete family but, at 38, I am afraid to take a risk again.
Please advise me on how to let my daughter know the truth about her father.
Leslie
Dear Leslie,
You are in a sticky situation. Being honest with your daughter is good but it might hurt her somehow. She is in the stage of building her identity that’s why she is seeking areas of her “self” that will build who she really is. At this point, you have to be a positive parent-friend (an authority but a confidant at the same time) to allow her to build herself appropriately.
Try doing a question and answer dialogue. Refer to her questions before, then start from there. “You were asking about your dad. May I know why?” That way, you can gauge her readiness and interest on the matter. As for telling her father’s situation, it may not be so ideal. However, admit to her that you cannot be together due to circumstances beyond you. If she demands the reason, gauge her readiness (and your own as well) and maturity to deal with the kind of relationship you had. If she is not ready, defer it to a later time. It may break her heart, but assure her of your love. Tell her that a family may not necessarily be composed of a mom, a dad, and a child by referring to some people you know who are successful in being solo-parent families. It can be just the two of you – who have a positive relationship, love each other, and seek the well-being of the other.
I pray that you talk to her the soonest time and in the most peaceful way!
Love,
Ichel
This article first appeared in Kerygma March 2014, but has been updated.