My youngest sister is separated from her husband. Their marriage was annulled 20 years ago. They have two children who are now in their early twenties. One is starting on her second job; the other is waiting for his new employer’s call as to when he will report for work.
My sister just turned 50 last May. She has been unemployed since about three years ago. She got traumatized when she got held up one night while going home from work.
We live in the same house since I am unmarried. I’ve been the one shouldering the household expenses.
I’ve been giving her hints as to possible income sources, like being a virtual assistant, or doing online marketing, or selling bottled or baked goodies since she loves to cook. She is an engineer by profession and can do a lot more, but she seems to have lost interest in life. She doesn’t exhibit symptoms of depression though.
I want to talk to her directly about this, but I don’t want her to feel that I no longer want to help her financially. I’ve been asking my other sisters to be the ones to talk to her and ask about her plans for herself since I also need to build up my retirement fund. No one has done so.
In all these, though, I am grateful to God because the more I help out, the more He’s been blessing me.
I will appreciate some words of wisdom and guidance from you.
Trixie
Dear Trixie,
I honor your concern for your sister and your family as a whole. It is sad to know how she seems to have lost a sense of purpose or maybe fulfillment at her age.
Based on how you described your sister and her background, it appears that this is not merely about her being traumatized by the holdup experience. It may just be the triggering event that surfaced when her past issues were not addressed or confronted. She might have grief issues over the annulment that she never knew existed.
Also, being the busy solo mother that she was in raising her children, it is possible that she had midlife and other psycho-emotional concerns that she failed to see and do something about. It may be that all her past issues, her life stage, along with her aging body and mind, are affecting her now. And so, more than helping her find work or a source of income, the goal is to also help her find purpose and direction in life.
You have to bring in the family to the whole picture. Talk independently to your siblings, especially to her children. Assure them that you are concerned about your sister’s welfare. Explain to them the need to help their mom/sister to get back on track, not just to find work, but also her life’s purpose. Each one should be in a helping — not blaming —mode. Play on her interests and strengths. Other work options may not be attractive for her since it would mean going out of her comfort zone. One way, too, is to jolt her from her comfort zone and create the need for her to find a new sense of purpose again.
Apart from working out solutions, you also have to put boundaries and limits. Do not think that this is being selfish. You need to ensure your welfare, too. As you said, you are blessed financially at the moment, but you need to have a sufficient retirement fund for your old age, as you are unmarried. Unlike your sister, you do not have children who could help you financially in the future.
Putting boundaries means sharing your resources up to a certain point. Allot only a certain portion of your resources to help her but do not cover all. You may opt to share in the household expense, but do not give directly to her. She needs to feel the thirst to pursue life and have something for her. If all is taken cared of, people tend to not move or do something to help themselves.
If it will help, bring her to The Feast or similar activities, or a community that will bring new insights and help her find purpose in life again. More importantly, pray for yourself and for her. When you are older, it might be the two of you who will share life together. While trying to help but at the same time limiting financial help, be a good friend and sister to her despite her limitations.
Praying all things work well for good!
Love,
Ichel
This originally appeared in Family Reborn, August 2017, but has since been updated.