Fostering friendships among peers is crucial to your child’s social development. Here are ways to help encourage him to come out of his shell and make friends.
One of the highlights of school life is having your own circle of friends, but what if befriending others does not come easy with your child? What if he’s the ‘loner’ type? Here are some things you can do:
1 Know your child’s personality
A child’s personality is shaped by two factors – nature and ‘nurture.’ Nature is the genetic makeup of a person, meaning that he may be naturally an introvert. Nurture is the impact of the child’s environment on how he develops as an individual. If a child is an introvert to begin with, expect that making friends is a tall task for him. He will need a little confidence boost and some ‘nurturing,’ to help him develop the skills needed to interact with others.
Assess your child’s personality. Look closely at your home situation. Has it influenced him to be a loner? Your openness is necessary to understand the realities, as this would serve as your guide in helping your child.
2 Ask your child about his insights and feelings
Once you know the root of your child’s loner tendencies, ask your child about his insights and feelings about not having friends. Questions like, “Why do think we need friends?”, “What makes it hard to go with other kids in class?” and “How do you feel about it?” will help you understand where he is coming from. Some possible scenarios that may arise are:
• “It’s okay with me if I don’t have friends!” Some kids are not the least bothered by that, credit this to their reserved personality. Help your child by discussing the joys and advantages of having friends.
• “I’m afraid they might not like me!” Self-esteem may be the issue here. Before giving your child the push to befriend others, help your child gain a positive self-image and develop his confidence first.
• “Other kids have their own groups already!” This might lead you to identify his uncertainties to join groups and interact with different personalities. You may need to explain the personality difference and the need to initiate.
• “If they don’t like me, then I don’t like them too!” This appears to be an unhealthy attitude towards making friends. Try to identify where the attitude is coming from, then help your child reframe his mindset and gain the needed skills to make friends.
• “But I don’t enjoy being with them!” Kids prefer friends who have similar interests as them in language and level of maturity, among others. Find out your child’s interests and he can start from there.
3 Simulate real-life situations
Help boost your child’s social ability by starting at home with day-to-day encounters. Give your child small tasks like answering the phone. Attending kiddie parties and having play dates with your friend’s children is another great opportunity for your child to initiate conversations with other kids, join games, follow rules, and play while you observe and coach from the side. Encourage your child to express himself even if it feels awkward at first. This is one way to enhance his communication skills and gain confidence in dealing with different people.
4 Talk to the teacher
Ask the teacher for feedback on how your child deals with other kids in school, and relay your observations about your child. Ask for the possible ways she can help your child. For example, you may request if it’s possible to seat your child with other kids who have similar interests, who are friendly and outgoing, and who can help your child get into groups and gain friends along the way.
Affirm your child’s efforts in dealing with people, initiating conversations, and making friends. It would boost his self-esteem knowing that what he has done is positively noted. In helping your child, the end goal is for him to gain not only friends, but the confidence and self-reliance he will carry for life.
This story first appeared in Smartparenting.com.ph but has since been updated.