How do you define conflict? Do you wish your family will be spared from conflicts and problems?
If you do not mind the little issues in the family, do you think they will just fade away?
If you have a deadlock issue with your spouse, you think that conflict will go away?
We are alive, and so are conflict, problems, and issues – that is the hard fact of family and life.
Marriage and family therapists David Olson, John Defrain, and Linda Skogrand said that “Conflicts arise when couples are engaged in power struggle. Lack of conflict is not necessarily a sign of a good marriage. If conflicts are not resolved, it continues to grow.”
Which do you want to grow? The conflict or the individuals in the relationship?
In families, we have daily exchanges. We talk about the ins and outs of our lives: how to go about daily tasks and routines, how to manage the budget, how to split the cake for dessert, who gets to use the car the next day, and so on. As we deal with each other, we encounter differences. Even if we’ve been married for more than 20 years, we have differences and we encounter challenges.
These exchanges bring about discussion of ideas. If we are planning for a weekend family affair, for example, all family members are stakeholders. We ask our kids if they need to do something, and lay down to them our plans. Most of the time, these little creatures have comments or even suggestions. And it should be like that because we are a flexible family.
Ideas should be exchanged in the family. If only one person gives ideas, or no one would like to discuss their ideas or opinions, issues during the daily exchanges are never threshed out. If they are not put out in the open, those issues, irritations, and idiosyncrasies will creep in and become seeds for later disconnection. Assess how you are at this phase in your own family relationships. Consequently, if ideas are not shared, there will be no basis for feelings to be brought out in the open. When one family member gives a suggestion, we usually have different ideas so we share, too. And we get all excited, anxious, or even reactive about it. That’s okay! Healthy exchanges are important. Contrarily, if families do not exchange ideas or feelings, there is a lack of basis for the next stage.
The Decision-Making Phase is based on the coming together as a couple or ideas to decide about the daily ins and outs of family life, the ideas each person bring to the table, and the feelings each one has over issues, ideas, or the relationships. This decision-making phase, if reached healthily and mindfully, should have a low level of tension. If tension arises, it might be pointing to a disconnection or being closed to exchanges and ideas in the lower levels.
At this point, Problem Solving needs to happen, particularly if there is a lack of positive outcomes in the earlier stages. There is higher tension at this stage. If disconnections, unpleasant feelings like anger, bitterness, and grief are the dominant emotions in the family, decisions may be made but it may be out of desperation. The lack of connection and exchange brought the simple issue to be a bigger problem.
And so what is crisis? It is when the husband and wife decide to separate, when the teenage child leaves home after a confrontation and would not return, it is when the family’s finances get mishandled. These are some examples.
Crisis-Resolution Phase is the final stage. If the little matters in family life and the relationship are not looked into and there is a lack of genuine connection in the family, topped with a decision that need to be made but was never made, then it could result to unresolved problems that could lead to a crisis.
Those little things – the irritations, risks, and challenges – should be considered. See how you can use them as tools or a springboard to improve family life. If they are not dealt with, they will grow into bigger problems later on.
You have the choice to choose a conflict from becoming a crisis, or using conflict as key to create crucial connections and better communication in the family. Cope well, move forward. If you cannot change the situation, change the way you look at it!
When conflicts happen, choose not the path of crisis, but choose to have instead Christ IS!
This article originally appeared in Family Reborn 2016, but has since been updated.