When I started taking yoga class, I was enticed by a studio’s signature class named FNR. It stands for Flexibility NOT Required. I was excited to get into the class as I was a couch potato and was never an active person. In the class, poses and alignments are taught in detail, along with longer pauses and synchronized breathing and movement. The instructors always say that flexibility is not a requirement of yoga. Instead, it is a result of continuous diligent practice.
In the years that I’ve been married, I went through the ins and outs of trying to perfectly balance the roles that my husband and I play. We mostly grew up with a certain perception of family members doing specific roles:
- Who should handle the finances? Who should manage the home matters?
- Who should lead the family in its spiritual growth?
- Who should oversee the children? Who should care for the baby and change diapers?
- Who should pay for the tuition? Who should discipline the kids?
Some of these are gender or position specific, like husbands should do such… wives are expected to… and the eldest must be the one to… Chances are, we come into marriage and family life with set norms and expectations. Yet, as we grow and continue in our family life, we experience a multitude of changes happening in the family as a whole, and changes in each family member as he matures as an individual.
Learning to Bend
As we go through external challenges, we need to look into the family’s flexibility. In family life, flexibility is the family’s ability to adjust to the extent of change that they experience in its leadership (control, discipline), negotiation styles, role relationships, and relationship rules. The primary implication of it is how the members of the family balances its stability versus change (Olson, DeFrain, and Skorand, 2011).
When I had too much work, Koots pitched in. He handled the family budget. He looked after the kids’ school needs, and did the grocery and errands when needed. He did it all to support me in a temporary change in our lives.
When Koots had a health crisis, I was at my wit’s end with managing almost everything to run the household, keeping up with my work, attending to the kids, and taking care of my husband who was healing at home. One time, I thought, ‘What if he can no longer work, and there is a need for me to step up to be the primary breadwinner for the family?’ I was often crying in trying to keep up and making sure that I hold up for our family.
One afternoon, I went home tired from a speaking engagement and errands after. When I entered the room, I found my husband looking so peaceful despite his scars and frail body. I was almost in tears, as he whispered: “When one is weak, the other one is strong.”
It dawned on me then that the strong one does not need to be the husband or the healthy one. He was so strong inside and his strength inspired me so. So I did not complain one bit in attending to matters he usually did for us. I did not mind the thought of being the provider of the family. That is family flexibility. If we keep getting stuck in each other’s old expectations, our family will be very unhealthy.
Similar to flexibility in yoga, flexibility is a requirement in the family. It may not happen right away, but members need to constantly strive to balance the stability of their values, family affection, and relationship. They need to learn to bend to the roles each one plays, the rules guiding the family, and how their family copes with the uncontrollable changes happening in and outside the family.
If there are too many rules and role expectations, the family tends to be rigid and cannot bend to the changing needs. On the contrary, too much flexibility leads to chaos as no rules and roles set the tone in the family. Couples and families need both stability and change, and the ability to change when life demands of it.
How are you grooving and moving in your family life? Do you openly accept changes and cope with it? If so, how?
Do you get stuck in the same rules and roles you have set five or ten years ago in your marriage life and family? How is your family dealing with it? How can you sense your relationship?
Do you have rules to begin with? Are they aligned to your values and applicable to your family members? Do you talk about these rules?
Mull over these questions and reflect on flexibility in your family. Our love and values are constant and cannot be compromised, but how we go about our lives may differ depending on the changes happening outside us. This fitting prayer will give us a sense of sanity:
Serenity Prayer
O God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. Taking, as he did, the sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever.
This article first appeared in Family Reborn 2016, but has since been updated.
- Olson, D. H., DeFrain, J., & Skogrand, L. (2011). Marriage and family: intimacy, diversity and strengths (7th ed.). New York: McGraw Hill.