These are the things you should expect as you approach midlife. You can find out more about these things from my book, “The Beauty of 40: Unwrapping the Gift of Midlife.”
#1 Shoulds
We grew up with a lot of shoulds. The conditioning or shall we say, programming, that we got from our parents and grandparents helped mold us. They are not wrong. They helped define who we are. But at a certain season, at 40 and midlife, we need to collapse the shoulds. At a certain season in our lives, some of these are no longer healthy for us. We need to use our inner wisdom to tell which we choose to keep and which we need to let go. This is affirmed by this line from the book, “I AM ME, I ACCEPT ME, I DO ME, THE WAY GOD WANTS ME TO BE.”
#2 Setbacks
Life is unfair. It has a lot of setbacks. I went through so many setbacks. At 26, my first son died of stillbirth. When I gave birth to my daughter, our house was devastated by Ondoy. When my career was picking up and I was launching my first book as a co-author, my husband was at the peak of his health crisis.
How could life present us with so many ironies? On the surface, they seem like successes but in other areas, there were a lot of setbacks. We have all experienced setbacks. But in the midst of all these, I know things happen for a reason. If we get to have all things we want without setbacks, life would be plain boring.
And I quote, “We can have it all, but not all at the same time.”
#3 Self
The things that happened in our lives, the years that have passed, the shoulds that raised us, the setbacks that defined us — they all helped to mold the self.
The book gave the proper importance on the self. It reviews our way of realistically looking at our self-worth, our self-love, and practicing self-care. It invites each person to have an honest-to-goodness look at who one is, and check where his real worth is anchored.
During the launch, I pointed out that: “I am not my titles.” All my roles and all the letters after my name maybe removed, but the real me should still be there. “Puwedeng alisin lahat ng letters after my name, pero dapat matira kung sino ako.” In real life, there are no titles and status.
Why do we need that relationship with the self? While I was doing the book, my husband and I had an issue. I’ve already forgotten what it was. When I was doing my presentation for the launch, we had another issue. I realized that even if I love my husband, my children, and others, there is only my “self” that I need to empower. No one can really care for me, truly, but myself alone.
When we had marital issues, when my husband got sick, when he cannot drive for me, I WILL do it for me. I cannot be forever dependent on him to be responsible for my “self” and my being. If I remove “who am I,” then “how can I?” Because I, you, and each of us, are gifted with something. We are blessed by God with something He wants us to use to bless and share with the world. Our worth and our real self is never dependent even on the most important relationships we have.
“When my husband can’t, I WILL…
When my children no longer need me, I AM…
When life is not fair, I let it BE…”
“Self-love is about our relationship with our SELF, and GOD who is Love.”
#4 Surrender
May mga bagay sa buhay na hindi magagawan ng paraan, ‘di natin maiintindihan, and all we can do is surrender. Radical surrender, as I called it. Those things that happened in our younger years, as we move in life, we do not know the why’s. At a certain time, the dots connect to give us the big picture. Life has a way of turning things out.
In midlife, when things happen the way they happen, they happen for a reason, so be it. During this season, when people do not come to our invites, we just count and thank who are there. We do not wait on and keep inviting those who cannot be there. When people fail us, and they cannot be who we hope them to be for us, I pray that we can all learn the value of radical surrender. It is learning not to control everything then respecting things the way they are.
Radical Surrender is learning self-care. It is also learning to love life and the self the way it is.
“When we care for our well-being, we progress to being whole being.”
#5 Significance
When we become whole and fully embrace who we are, things will be lighter.
On significance, Brother Bo Sanchez had this to say: “Success is about you. But significance is about you helping others reach their success.”
Each one of us has a call for significance – either in the family, community, or with other people. Amidst all that I have, the work, busyness, family life, health, and my own well-being, God told me that His call is not for myself but for others! True, sinama pa niya ang ‘others.’
As I read Brother Bo’s book, Life Dreams 101, one passage called out to me: “You are called to a life far bigger than you can imagine…”
If we do not know how to take care of ourselves, if we keep pleasing others and fail to choose the life that suits us, we will be spent. There is a need for us to be attuned to our inner being. Take care of our “self” and know where our self-love is truly anchored.
At midlife, we are called to a life of success and significance. Life cannot just be so-so. It is not just making a name for ourselves. It is about living a life of significance. That inner relationship with ourselves from age 40 onwards is crucial as we live a life of significance. The call of midlife is to come home to God’s love, be who He wants us to be, and be whole – mind, body, and spirit.
“Midlife is when we do not let life and others rule us but rather when we design a life we want.”
My book, the Beauty of 40: Unwrapping the Gift of Midlife, is a self-confrontation of the self as I go through this season in my life. But the gift of midlife is unwrapping life, and being whole, being authentic to who I am made to be. My midlife journey is not a crisis, but Christ – is. And that is the invitation to each of us – to be whole, to live a life bigger than we are, and have a deeper spiritual journey! It is being who we are meant to be, and WHO GOD WANTS US to BE!
The Beauty of 40: Unwrapping the Gift of Midlife” is available at https://shop.kerygmabooks.com/.