Harmony is such a serene word. It seems to speak of all things being in the right place — without glitch or hassle. If there is family harmony, life would be in a state of contentment and even bliss.
But is there such a thing as family harmony? Can harmony exist in the midst of the chaos and distractions? When challenges come and unexpected changes get into the daily grind, how do you achieve harmony?
As difficult as it seems, I invite you to look at harmony in your own reality. My favorite family therapist-theorist, Virginia Satir, considered harmony as synonymous with balance. Yes, balance is harmony. Like the toy mobile in the crib of our infant, balance is what makes the mobile work.
We have been conditioned that balance is having equilibrium, equality, or even stability. Carrying that mindset, we have ways of doing things, beliefs about how things work, and how people should be. There’s nothing wrong here. We all carry these with us.
But when change happens, will old tricks work? When family challenges engulf us, do we cope by gliding, surviving, or thriving?
Change and challenges are so intricately tucked into family life. Change happens and challenges come, one piling up over another or even flooding around us at the same time. Then we find ourselves out of harmony. We get imbalanced. If we do not mind or tune in to the signals of imbalance, we will be stuck in the posture of imbalance. Before we know it, we will be in a position of pain and it will be harder to balance ourselves again.
That happens when we are seated for eight hours at our desk, facing a laptop. No movement causes the body imbalance, whether it is in the form of back pain, neck pain, shoulder strain, or migraine.
In the family, constant bickering or complaining happens between the couple. As much as you love each other, what the other says or does often gets in your nerves. Or perhaps your child, out of nowhere, becomes defiant to your requests. Or maybe your teenage child (or even partner) prefers to be online all the time while you are together, refusing to share how their day went. This kind of behavior does not happen in isolation. They are connected to some relational concerns that may be due to our personal and relational issues.
How then do we go about re-balancing and maintaining harmony in our family?
1. Look
When you see signs of imbalance in you and in your family relationship, it is best for you to look. If you cannot look at matters objectively, find someone close to you who can objectively search with you about what may be the imbalance or what’s causing it. It can be your attitude towards your spouse, your non-verbal message when you are with your siblings, or your over-reaction when your kids do not comply with your instructions. If you take the first step in looking at the imbalance, then you can slowly deal with them before they become bigger problems.
2. Choose
After looking into the issues, do not just keep telling yourself, “You should!” It takes gut feel or inner wisdom, common sense, and a good knowledge (not judgment) about your family and your family dynamics. There is no clear cut suggestion on what you should choose when changes, challenges, and imbalances in life take place. Virginia Satir suggested asking ourselves:
“Is it OK to want things? Is it OK to have ‘should,’ which are usually ideas about duty and responsibility, and then awareness about one’s capacity at a moment in time?”
What are you supposed to choose and how? There are times when you choose your wishes or what you long to do. Today, for instance, I chose to nap in the afternoon and then chat with the kids, rather than submit my article early in the morning like I always do. The past weeks were tiring for me, and it is only now that I had a chance to nap and laze around.
On other days, we have to choose our duties, responsibilities, or the “shoulds.” They are an awful lot! And we should not be too absorbed into doing everything, completing all our tasks, perfecting all the details, yet sacrifice relationships. The tasks and “shoulds” are endless, but the relationship holds importance, especially in family life.
And there are days when you choose to do what is in your capacity, given your wishes and to-do lists. Many times, we try to accomplish so much at work and at home, at the expense of our well-being, health, and relationships. Sometimes it is best to choose what we can do and give, given our capacity.
3. Do
After listening and choosing, do what you can, given your capacity at the given moment. Mindfully taking into account what is in the here and now, work on what you have. Do not blame the past or others. Work on the situation, no matter its imperfection. No more what-ifs, just give your all and, using your gift of wisdom and discernment to make your family life better, be in harmony and create balance to renew and recalibrate your family life and relationship. Do what you can at this moment. Do what you feel you can, as life and family harmony is not a state but a mindful choice that is renewed and refreshed daily.
This first appeared in Family Reborn 2017, but has since been updated.