In my last post, I discussed about the different personalities that exist in a Filipino family: Different, Difficult, Distant, Deadma, Demanding, and Dysfunctional. By identifying these personalities, we will have a better idea on how to properly deal with them without severing ties and igniting conflict. Today, I will be discussing four concrete steps on how to deal with them.
- Accept: It is normal human tendency to want our family members to change to our liking. But this is frankly not doable so we simply have to accept these difficult family members. There is no need to pick fights or start arguments. It is best to save one’s energy and let these things go. There is nothing you can do to change the other person. When you choose acceptance, half the battle has been won. Reflect on the things you can control and let go of those you cannot. When your family member is beginning to get into your nerves, remind yourself that you are worth more than the argument they are trying to start with you. Accept and walk away.
- Boundaries: Apply emotional distancing. Create boundaries and do not anchor your self-worth to what other people have to say. This is refusing to let what other people, even close family members, to get to you. Choose to be the bigger person. Remember that your individuality and sense of personhood should not be intertwined with any other person’s. You are your own person. You are a soft boiled egg, not a scrambled who’s intertwined with your family. Learn how to say no. You are not saying no to them because you do not love them. You are saying no because you love them in the same way that you love yourself. Refuse to let them step on you or abuse you.
- Connections: When you ask for favors from family members, is your underlying tone relational or functional? Relational is doing it out of love and concern whereas functional is doing something for the heck of it. It is simply to keep something going. When you relate to your family members, check the quality of your relationship. Check the depth of your conversations because it is very difficult to maintain a good home routine when the relationship is fraying.
- Dynamics: Check the details in the family. How is the level of acceptance? How are the boundaries between members? How are the connections? How is the emotional climate in your family? Is it warm and accepting or full of tension? How is the tone of the members when they speak to one another? Do family members listen to what each member has to say or is it more hierarchical? You have to carve out time every now and then to assess your family life from an objective lens to see how everything is flowing.
Look into these aspects and see where your family lies in these four aspects. When these seem to be in a good place, the easier it is for members to conquer challenges and adversities together. One of my favorite lines that I wrote in my book, “Family Goals,” mentions that “other things may change us, but we will always begin and end with the family.” None of us belong to a perfect family. But I am here to support you and help you make a great family life despite imperfections. – WITH PAU DE VERA