Each child’s personality is unique. Now imagine putting together 20 or so little kids with different backgrounds and upbringing in a classroom, and you’re sure to end up with more fireworks than New Year’s Eve.
One of the common reasons why children fight is when one tries to order another around. If your child comes to you and says that his classmate is bossing him around, here’s what you should do:
Get the facts first
Ask your child why he feels this way. Ask him to be specific, without putting words into his mouth. He may have been asked by a classmate to pick up things, buy food, or copy notes. Hold your comments while your child speaks, as this would encourage openness and trust. Clarify if needed and validate the details of the story, but never jump into conclusions or give judgment immediately.
Ask how he feels
Ask your child how he feels about the incident. This would help you assess how affected your child is. If he cannot name his feelings, be of help by asking, “Are you mad, irritated, annoyed about it?” This would help him develop insight, self-awareness, and an ability to handle these kinds of situations.
Speak with the teacher or the counselor
The teacher or the counselor is the best authority in school to handle this kind of situation. She would be aware of the daily occurrences in the classroom and know the students in class. Schedule an appointment or correspond through a written letter. In your communication, ask the teacher how the other child can be helped while limiting your judgment towards him. Note, too, that it’s not a good idea to deal directly with the other child, as this may create more problems later. This matter should be handled by the school authorities. You as a parent can work with the counselor and teacher in developing interventions to help your child both in school and at home.
Assess your child’s personality
Each child has innate temperaments uniquely his own. His personality makeup is affected by the upbringing, family system, and the environment in which he is raised. Assess if your child is the reserved or the sociable, the follower or the leader. This would help you identify the areas where he needs help. In my work as a counselor, I have encountered many parents saying that their child is confident and a leader at home, yet they are observed to be withdrawn in school. Be open and objective when receiving feedback from the teacher or counselor. Assess how you are as a parent, as this would impact significantly your child’s developing personality as well.
Coach your child
If your child is the docile type or may tend to just follow, it is your role as a parent to encourage him to speak and gain confidence in dealing with other people. Here are some ways that you can help your child:
1. Let him speak for himself. At home, let your child ask for what he wants, instead of giving it to him automatically. Allow him to decide for himself, but structure the choices you give him. This would train him to speak out, ask for what he wants, and say “no” when needed. This exercise will also build his self-confidence, as listening to him tells him that he matters.
2. Ask about his insights, opinions, and feelings when you ask him to do a task or when his siblings request something from him. This would create an opportunity to develop his ability to speak and reason out. Likewise, you can evaluate his disposition and instruct him if needed if you ask him situational questions, like, “What would you do if a classmate asks you to copy his notes for him?”
3. Prompt your child when in social situations or out of the home. Even if he refuses at first, affirm your child by taking note of his little accomplishments like asking for extra tissue from the waiter, asking for directions to the men’s room, or saying “no” if he does not like the kind of play by other kids, etc. This would help your child gain confidence and be comfortable in dealing with different people.
Empower your child
This is one of the best insights I gained from a notable psychologist: “Never do for a child what the child can do for himself!”
We will not be there all the time to do things for our children and to stand up to anyone who would offend them. Bossy classmates would eventually become bossy peers and bossy work mates. We are not in control of how others are, but it is in our hands to tap our child’s inner resource and capability to stand up for himself and handle matters appropriately and maturely. Developing the child’s confidence, self-esteem, and assertiveness is what parents can do to prepare their child to deal with all kinds of people on their own.
This article has been updated, but originally appeared in Smartparenting.com.ph.