Quality time with your children becomes important as they get older.

Dating to keep a spark alive is a tried-and-tested activity for romantic couples. But did you know that it can also have the same relationship-building impact on parent-child relations?

In the book How to Build a Happy Family, Bo Sanchez observes that the exercise isn’t really for the benefit of the parent, but rather for the child. Closeness is an essential and primary goal for the parent-child relationship.

Sanchez says, “When the relationship is close, kids listen. Their hearts are supple and open. But when there’s already a ‘relationship drift’ between the parents and the kids, their hearts are far apart. So no matter how much the parents shout, their kids don’t get the message.”

Making time

Marissa Jusay, R.G.C., a counselor at Assumption Antipolo, believes that aside from bonding, parent-child dates serve as a good foundation for parent and child to get to know and assure each other of their love and support. “It’s about spending quality time together,” she explains. A mom of grown-up kids, Jusay would hang out with her children, eat, talk, watch movies, or take walks with them.

Jusay’s three kids used to look forward to their dates. Now, it’s a struggle setting a schedule with her two older kids who are already working. Despite the limited time and differing interests, the intrepid mom considered other ways of spending time. With her son Joseph, 24, their dates at home consist of watching videos and downloading music together. “When we go out on a date, I’m not only seen as an authority figure by my child but also as a friend, a confidante, someone whom they can talk to about any topic, anytime.”

Moms and kids speak up

In my experience counselling teens, some of them aren’t keen on the idea of going out with their folks.  Anne, 15, shares, “They would only discuss my low grades, the “should” and “musts!”

Thankfully, many teens still like being with their parents, especially if they feel their parents are like their friends. Eating out, being accompanied on errands, and working on some school projects are acceptable for them. Gabriel, 13, relates that being driven to school by her dad and fetched from it by her mom made her feel connected to them.

“Inspite of their busy time at work, they still take time to chat and be with me,” she says.

Josietin Umali, a special education teacher and mom of Nica, 19, and Jico, 15, explains, “As children grow older, the more they assert their individuality and the more they want to be with their peers that they begin to spend less ‘dates’ with us.”

Allowing them to go out, provided they prioritize family time on Sundays and special occasions, is important. Activities-wise, Umali finds value in considering appropriate activities unique to parent and child, and advises,  “Never compare your dates with other parents and their children.”

Dating tips

If you feel emotionally distant from your growing child, or find it hard to understand him, then dating may just be the route to being connected again. From our standpoint as counselors, Jusay and I suggest some points:

• Start by casually suggesting a one-on-one date.
• Break the ice by injecting time together during regular routines. Pick them up from school then eat out. Help them with schoolwork or chat while washing dishes.
• Have no expectations. Live in the moment and just enjoy your togetherness.
• Go to places where both of you are comfortable. Make your child feel special and that this time is only for him.
• Focus on each other and keep the interaction distraction-free. Opt not to use mobile phones or other gadgets.
• Talk about neutral topics that won’t lead to an argument. This is the time for you to get to know each other and enjoy each one’s company.
• Have an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance and love. Desist from lectures and criticism about your child’s insights and ideas—this is his time anyway!

As I often stress in parenting seminars, giving birth to our children doesn’t automatically mean that we know them as well. A fulfilling parent-child relationship doesn’t spontaneously happen. Having a relationship is a process. Thus, dating your kids needs consistency, creativity, and priority-setting. Parents need to be deliberate in including dates in their schedule and budget. It needn’t be costly. A walk in the park or a shared ice cream sundae may do. While it takes a lot of effort to start it off, consider your parent-child relationship as an investment, with greater and satisfying returns later.

This article originally appeared in Moms Today March – April 2013, but has since been updated.