You may have worn cutoff jeans in your youth, or you may have had your phone line cut off. The term simply means to bring to an untimely end or to stop the passage of communications.
A teenage son is barely home and acts like a boarder in his own house. He would leave the house when the parents have left, and will be home when the parents are asleep. If at home, he either stays in his room or sleeps the whole day. He cannot deal with his father who keeps blaming him for his mistakes.
A single daughter cannot tolerate her parents who are always giving in to the whims of her youngest brother. The youngest brother is married with family, but very much dependent on his parents and siblings. And so, to avoid issues, the older sister moves away and seeks work abroad.
A couple who is in their midlife stage tries to stay together in one house for the sake of the children. Yet in reality, they no longer sleep in one room and barely talk to each other. They are just at home to talk about the budget, home matters, meals, and the children. There is no intimacy, no reference to each other as lovers, or no intention to uplift the marriage. It started when the wife caught the husband having an emotional affair with an office colleague. The husband would not admit such, but neither did the wife do anything to resolve the issue or rekindle their relationship.
Such cutoffs happen in families and relationships. We may not be aware of it, but there are cases that are referred to as emotional cutoff. This concept refers to the way individuals deal with issues, usually revolving around their parents, siblings and other family members.
How do they cut off? They reduce or totally cut off emotional contact or interpersonal dealings with them. They either move out of the home or stay in physical contact with their families, but avoid the sensitive issues. Relationships may look “better” if people cut off to manage them, but the problems are dormant and remain unresolved with cutoff family member feeling hurt and rejected.
Imagine an issue in the family like an old perishable good, like bread or lettuce you kept in the kitchen. If you keep it that way, it will rot and grow icky molds until it stinks. And usually, no one at home is willing to touch the item or move it until the whole pantry gets so icky that it needs to be washed and soaped for the smell to disappear.
Repairing what has been cut off
There is need to make your kitchen pantry or family life stink with issues. You can start in small ways. If you cannot sew back right away what has been cut off, then slowly do little things to bring each person closer to each other. Family life may not always be perfect and the odds are not often in our favor. However, our family relationship is an active verb. It needs to be cleaned once in a while to make sure no issue is expiring or stinking. Issues need to be identified and discussed.
Isn’t it better for us to live happily and freely along with our family members? Start small. Share a nice meal together. Ask each other what each one is up to. Don’t comment, just listen. Experience the other person for who he is.
We do not need to plunge to the issues right away. Since the ties are cut off, we need to pull them closer in proximity with each one before the repair work happens.
Swap stories if you can. Use affirming and uplifting words. Make a mental note to do something for that person— even the simplest thing will do.
Be with that loved one. Let go of pride. Let love be your guide. And be your true best self with that person. When the ties have been pulled closer, then talking about the issue may happen. No need to force each one in admitting who’s at fault. Make it your goal to repair now so that tomorrow will be better for the family. It will not be easy, but constancy and consistency to your goal of working together for the best of the relationship should serve you well.
Doing so is needed because this is family and this is the relationship we are gifted with. We need to restore what was cut off by emotionally connecting and nurturing the other person.
Quoting Virginia Satir, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible—the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”
This article originally appeared in Family Reborn, May 2016, but has since been updated.