How come parents think and act the way they do?
Have you ever wondered why your parents are the way they are?
Or have you ever compared the uniqueness and even weirdness of your family compared with others?
As you grow older, despite loving your family, you get to see different angles of strengths and imperfections they may have. Reality bites, doesn’t it? Many teens and young adults seem to resist these “differences” in views, rules, and ways between what they see in their families which they deem not fit for them.
My favorite family therapist, Virginia Satir once said, “Our goal in moving towards wholeness is to accept our parental figures as people and meet them at their level of personhood rather than only in their roles.”
Parents have their own sets of parents who are also different in their ways in the context of their culture and generation. If you have a set of happy parents, the coolest you can ask for, cherish your relationship and work on it to be stronger. If you don’t have the best of relationships with them, you tend to harbor a lot of issues towards them.
“Appreciating and accepting the past and our parents increases our ability to manage our present,” Satir said. With this in mind, you need to look at ways as to how you can better understand your parents so you can move towards the process of acceptance.
#1 Do not compare
This is the first step. It is said that the best way to kill something special is to make comparisons. When you compare, it will be an unending process of why, how come they are like this, and we are like that. Hold that thought! Keep in mind that your parents came from two distinct family trees that are different from each other, each with its own set of ways, values, and issues. Being together is not a bed of roses, and then reconciling themselves to have you, their children, is another story.
#2 Accept
Once you are done comparing, you can start accepting. The most you can do to fully understand all the idiosyncrasies they may have is to accept them for who they are: their goodness and, well, even their awfulness.
The earlier that we can accept them in their level of personhood, the better. No matter how hierarchical their roles, how imposing their ways, or how doting they are, they are first and foremost human person. They are individuals first before they are parents. Whatever you have, your thoughts, strengths, gifts, emotions, insecurities, fears, and anxieties, they have too. They are individuals apart from their roles. Look at them the way you would your friends or acquaintances. You’ll be surprised at what you might discover.
#3 Respect
Whether you start seeing them in a whole new light or now, give them due respect. There may be matters you do not see eye-to-eye, there may be a lot of issues you argue about, or their ways may be too unnerving for you. But well, they are your parents. They mean well, respect them.