“Today, April 26, I celebrate my 11th year of being a mom! My first born Miguel was born on April 26, 2004. It’s like my Mother’s Day! Let’s call it Mommy Anniversary! Let me share with you a snippet of a testimony, “Of Life Lost and Found,” printed in Couples for Christ 30th Anniversary Commemorative Book: “After marrying on 2002, Koots and I planned to have a baby on first year anniversary. We enjoyed our new life as husband and wife while we serve in SFC. The news of my pregnancy came almost a month short of our first year. It was an ecstatic time for us, yet the pregnancy was not easy. Our desire to be hands on parents made me resign from full-time work. On last day of work on April 6, 2004, was my regular OB checkup. I would hear my baby’s heartbeat again through the Doppler! But that day, no sign of heartbeat. The doctor ordered for an ultrasound through a specialist. The two OBs were conferring beside the hospital bed, while deep inside, I was praying, “Oh Lord, whatever my baby’s condition is, let me accept it, peacefully.” And so the doctors broke the news: that my 5-mos. in gestation baby boy’s heart failed due to multiple congenital anomalies. It was “fetal death in utero!” He had conditions, that even sophisticated blood tests cannot determine the cause.
We took the normal route of having the baby come out naturally. The D-day came on April 26, 2004. My water bag broke, the contractions came, the baby pushed out. But he is no longer alive. The pain is both physical and emotional. Through it all, my husband was with me. My request from my doctor was to put me to sleep when the baby out. My memory of him, moving in my tummy as a tiny wormy, is enough for me to hold. And so once he was out of my womb, the doctor asked Koots to be with him in the delivery room as they bless/baptize our little angel – Miguel. Others called it miscarriage, but it is called stillbirth, as Miguel was at 6 months gestation. After child birth, the reality sets in. I went home with the postpartum rudiments but have NO BABY. That was more painful! Being home often with no one with me, I kept myself busy, I read, I reflected, prayed, and cried. It was draining – physically, emotionally and spiritually. I lost a part of me, that I can only grieved about. Nobody, even my husband knew my child. During those moments, I never asked God why it happened to us. Yet, I asked His plan for us to experience our dear baby’s death. I almost fell into depression. I stayed away from kiddie parties and gatherings. I wanted to shun away the unwelcome comments of others. I refused to go to the baby section of department stores, and do not want to be reminded of baby stuff. Being a counselor and asking God for healing helped me be rational and kept me from falling apart. Part of the process was acceptance of Miguel’s death, then letting myself to grieve, I needed to. It also helped to share and retell what I went through to some people who understand. Our family, close friends and couple household filled us with prayers and support. I kept myself busy by finding a craft and resuming my M.A. thesis writing. I seek counseling from colleague-friends and mentors. I went back to work again.
I chose to move on and seize life! I am blessed to have my husband as my best friend who is spiritually and emotionally mature. He took care of my needs, listened to my woes, patiently listened, hugged me, and was just there. He never judged me.
Through it all, I get by each day, through prayers, reflecting and holding on to God’s promises for me. Reflecting through all these, Koots and I realize that God must have allowed child lost and complicated pregnancies to happen just so He can mature us as persons and we can be better parents. We became closer to each other and much stronger in faith. We were able to define the importance of our marriage, in becoming great parents.”
WHAT IS IT FOR ME? My pain prepared me more to be a mom. Motherhood came early despite not physically raising Miguel. Our years of waiting for another child allowed us to be definite on what we want for our family, and how we want to raise our children. We were able to sort our values, our decisions, and our differences on how we want our children to be raised. Years of anticipating and the difficulty of carrying my two little ones, including Miguel, made me yearn to give hands-on care and my own milk to my living kids.
After Miguel, Koots became more involved on my pregnancies and a hands-on super dad to our tots. Our patterns and ways or raising Migo and Maia has little to do with instinct, but a product of discussions, readings and consultations on what would be best. It may have traces of our own family differences, but we assess what is helpful for our children and relevant for our family’s uniqueness.
HOW DOES IT AFFECT ME? After giving birth to Maia, and while Migo was a toddler Migo in 2010, I shifted from a full-time career to be a almost full-time mom. We know it is our investment season in the lives of our kids. This was a result of discerning the values essential to us – our children’s welfare. Koots and I took our parenting roles to heart. We may not have so much resources. But we try our very best to invest in the emotional well-being of our family. And to date, we still continue to invest on what is most beneficial to our kids. For we believe, that parenthood is a God-given mission. We are called not just to be parents, but be great parents!
WHAT ARE MY GROWTH-POINTS? I would not be the mom I am now, if I did not have the bittersweet experience of losing a child. Seeing the way our children are growing, our marriage relationship, we just cannot thank God enough for preparing us for this life stage. The process was long and painful. It is still ongoing, challenging, yet fulfilling. But my role as a mom and as a wife are just the bigger plans that the Lord is putting in place and the channels for turning my pains to something more beautiful. Joy is sweeter after grief. Easter is celebrated after Good Friday! And I have my colorful two rainbows after the storm. I have my imperfections and idiosyncrasies. Yet I know that I am called for this purpose of helping others to enrich and build their own family & relationships. I am drawn to my life-purpose as a family psychologist-counselor to help more parents and families be
mindful and decisive of the kind of life they want their kids to be raised into.
More than my profession, I celebrate being being a Mom that I am to my kids. I am learning more, crying, laughing and thinking more than I ever did. They are my theories coming to life. I am inspired to hone myself as a professional, and as “my own person,” because I am foremost a Mom to Miguel, to Migo and to Maia. Indeed, what I hold on to before, is the same affirmation I hold on now: Romans 8:28, “All things work out well for those who love the Lord, and are called according to His purpose.”
