The mere thought of bullying scares us parents. We readily empathize with a child who has been a target of bullying.
But what really is bullying? Is it teasing between big kids? Is it the boy who pushed your child when they were in line? Is it the girl who called your kid names?
According to Barbara Coloroso, author of the book, The Bully, Bullied and Bystander, bullying is “a conscious, willful, and deliberate hostile activity intended to harm, induce fear through the threat of further aggression, and create terror.”
In whatever manner it presents itself, bullying has to have these three elements present:
1 There is imbalance of power.
2 There is an intent to harm.
3 There is a threat of further aggression.
If these three continue to escalate, then the cycle progresses. The bully becomes stronger and entitled while the bullied child becomes powerless. The bystanders, if they do not do anything to stop it, only serve to add to the power of the bully.
I was once a full-time school counselor so I know how it is to be in the middle of this complex cycle. Schools, especially the big schools, try their best to put the proper regulations in order to address bullying. However, we live in an imperfect world and there are individuals who think they are more entitled than the rest. Sadly, they harm others verbally, physically, and relationally.
When situations like this arose, I witnessed how some parents would point a finger at the other child, at the school, at the law, and everything else, it seems, without looking at themselves.
While we cannot take bullying sitting down, it is an opportune time to reflect and re-calibrate on how we are as parents to our children.
As a school counselor, I saw the missing link in the equation: the significant role of parents.
As a family life specialist doing psycho-educational training, I say that we all play a crucial part as parents and family members on bully-proofing children.
Should we teach our kids to just be quiet or fight the bully back?
Should we bring it out in social media?
Should we confront the offender directly?
We can do so much in reaction to being hurt for our child. Whether our child is the bullied, the bystander, or the bully, we have a big role to play as parents. We can always be in the defense mode. But I invite you to do more and be proactive. In the process of raising our children, and dealing with them on a daily basis, we can do so much more to fill their tanks with confidence, social competence, and compassion.
We must also pause and reflect on how we are relating and raising our children.
How is our emotional atmosphere at home? Is it full of angst and hate? Is there love, support, and acceptance among the family?
How do we spend time and give attention to each other? When giving our kids attention, is it routine and expected? Or do we give attention, so that we can build positive relationships with them?
How do we speak to our children? Is it with loving words or do we harshly shout? Do we talk to them condescendingly? Do we listen to them when they express their thoughts?
How are the rules at home? When someone is offended, are apologies and restoring relationships demanded? Or do we let them get away with indecent behavior and breaking the rules, for the sake of so-called peace?
Before we teach our kids to defend themselves against bullies, we must arm them with more meat and grit inside their beings. For them not to be the bully, we must teach them to accept differences, treat others with respect and dignity, and be responsible for their own actions. For them not to be mere bystanders, we need to teach our children social and moral responsibility, and compassion. We must teach them to be their brother’s or sister’s keeper. I know that all these things are hard to do but they are altogether possible. It all starts with us – at home!