Do we have to choose between marriage and parenting? This is a question I’m asked often. Is it necessary to choose one over the other?
Think back to your wedding day. Did you vow to be great parents when you were standing at the altar? Most couples exchange vows for each other. Now, I’m not telling you to choose only your spouse above your children. But think about this: your role as a spouse is linked to your being a parent. This is because it takes a strong marriage to be great parents. The foundation of being good parents is having a happy marriage. This maybe harder to do when the kids are small but time and experience taught me that they truly go hand-in-hand.
There is no secret formula to keeping the fire in a relationship. It takes deliberate work and consistency. Your marriage is connected to your romance, level of communication, and priorities. We’ve now come a long way from the notion that women are homemakers and fathers are the breadwinners. Now, the responsibilities are shared as partners.
While our programming has evolved, one thing remains the same: the way we view things is linked to how we were brought up as children. We have a lot of scripts, and these include: “kapag may anak ka na, hindi mo na magagawa ang gusto mo”, “huwag mo iwanan ang anak mo sa iba pag nagta-trabaho ka,“ and “kapag nagka-anak ka, you have to give it your all.” This programming creates the pattern of our actions. They then become recurring tapes.
But as deep-rooted as these scripts are, be realistic. What will happen to your well-being if you allow the entire world to revolve around your kids? What will happen when they grow up and start living their own lives? The sources of how we think rely heavily on our programming, patterns, and perception. Before you are a parent, you are a spouse to your partner. Before we are someone’s spouse, we are ourselves. Motherhood or fatherhood is a role you embark on for your entire lifetime. But don’t mistake this for active parenting because active parenting is temporary. Your children will grow. You must care for what you have so you don’t wind up lost when the time comes. Take the time to care for yourself. This will enable you to have a surplus of love which you can share with your spouse. Further, being a couple is different from being married. It is also different from being parents. Do not make active parenting as an excuse for you to not work on the marriage. You must work on the marriage because it will not work on itself.
Despite the responsibilities that your parenthood and career require, enjoy some alone time. When the baby is asleep or if you find yourself with some free time, use it to connect with your spouse. Spend time with each other. Find ways to shake off the guilt that comes with cherishing your relationship as husband and wife. As a young mother, I remember feeling guilty every time my husband and I would have our weekly dates. True enough, my son would cry. But he would stop. It made me realize that my son will find ways to keep himself preoccupied and that I have done enough by leaving him in good hands. While my kids were growing, I admit that they would look for us now and then but even though this happens, us going out and spending time with each other is not a foreign activity in their eyes. They understand that our weekly dates are part of our routine. They were conditioned to recognize it as their normal. They understand it is a natural part of life.
Is giving your marriage time easy? No, it is not. Is the process going to be perfect? No, it is not. But taking deliberate effort to care for the bond is one way to protect the marriage. Ask each other out on a date from time to time. Demand quality time from each other. It doesn’t have to be grand. The intent and effort are what matters. You can still be amazing parents even when you try to keep your relationship burning. Always remember that the best thing that parents can do for their children is to have a happy marriage. – WITH PAU DE VERA
Photo by Julian Hochgesang on Unsplash