If abuse exists in a relationship, whether it is physical, psychological or emotional, it is best to cut the pattern as toxicity is already involved. And that toxicity will be destructive not only to the relationship but to the very individuals in it.
If there is a loss of self in the relationship or a blurry sense of individuality, then moving away from the relationship also becomes essential. When questions like, “who am I?” arise, then emotional distancing becomes a need. This does not translate to cutting the relationship. It simply calls for re-discovering one’s self, to know the self again and again. Knowing one’s self is a process which should be taken to become a healthy, fully functioning, and balanced adult. People who jump from one relationship to another usually have an incomplete sense of self. They assume that relationships are the only things that can satisfy them. They see a relationship as something that “completes them.” This mindset, as you might have guessed, is not healthy.
We should be whole ourselves. There is a risk that comes with being too involved or enmeshed in relationships, and that is losing the sense of self. This gives birth to co-dependency which is the feeling that you cannot breathe, function, decide for your own, or live without the person who “completes” you.
The worst kind of co-dependent relationship is feeling threatened every time you want to get out of the relationship because you fear that the person you’re with might hurt himself.
Relationships are not meant to complete you; they complement you. Fostering complementary relationships enables us to remain whole whatever the circumstance. It is when we become differentiated persons with a healthy sense of individuality, can we stay sane and stable even in the face of family stressors and adversities.
Here are a few questions that I challenge you to reflect on:
- Are your personal needs as well as that of your family balanced?
- Are you in the dependent or independent zone?
- Do you take more or give more?
- Do you rely on others or do something yourself?
- Do you give to express love or is it with the intention to be loved?
- Do you oppose or acquire their opinions?
- Are you assertive or submissive?
- Do you know who you are in relation to your family?
- Who are you without all your family members?
- Who exactly will you become?
It is imperative that we foster a healthy “I” so the “us” can also follow suit. There can never be a “we” in the relationship if the “I” and the “me” is not in tip-top shape. Know how and when to emotionally distance yourself in order to have a healthy “we” because it is through honoring “I” and “you” that a healthy “us” can flourish. Learning healthy emotional distancing will allow each family member to become healthier, stronger, more differentiated, and emotionally mature persons. – WITH PAU DE VERA