Social media apps, especially Facebook and Instagram, teem with posts about family celebrations and togetherness. These are all heartwarming to see.
Yet I am saddened to hear that despite appearing to be close through their social media posts, family members do not know how to deal or relate with one another. Some parents “love” their kids so much that, for fear of offending them, they give in to whatever their children want.
Other families offer their business — or “busyness” — as an excuse for being unable to connect. And when busy, they get cranky, unavailable, and even unloving to the people at home, whether consciously or unconsciously. We take for granted the people that we should love more and end up in a “functional mode” rather than relational mode.
How do these two kinds of connections differ from one another?
Functional connections are those that we have for the purpose of living at home and meeting the basic needs of each one like food, clothing, money, and security. We talk about these matters at home on a superficial level. A mom who was having problems with her teenage child told me, “Nag-uusap naman po kami. Sumasagot naman po siya pag tinatanong.” It is not just about talking with each other, but being mindful of what we are talking about. Sometimes, we fail to connect with each other because we only discuss yes-no questions or straightforward statements.
In some cases, you may be talking with each other but simply to check out on one another’s functions: the dad providing and leading, the mom overseeing home management, the kids and other family members doing what they are supposed to do. Your conversations revolve around external stuff. You do not openly talk about your feelings, frustrations, and joys, or even about your respective inner beings and feelings. The family may be situated in the same place and context, but when crisis happens, they do not know how to approach one another for fear that they would move away, reject, or get angry at the other members.
Relational connection, on the other hand, has both breadth and depth. The parents know their children well. They may have differing interests but they feel secure that they can turn to each other for both tangible and intangible support. There is an honest-to-goodness, authentic relationship among the family members. They laugh with each other, not at each other; they cry with each other, not about each other; and they long for each one’s company when together, without being too tangled with their individual identity. They are not afraid to share both pleasant and unpleasant things with each other.
Every family member is attuned to the “inner world” of the other member. They accept and respect feelings and differences. Families work through concerns constructively. When problems happen to one member, they are confident to say, “I have my family, no matter what!” Each member looks forward to family affairs. Every bonding moment is, in its truest essence, a person-to-person emotional and physical connection.
Looking at these, where are you mostly leaning to? Do family celebrations excite you or do they seem to be a chore for your family?
When you are together in restaurants, do you chat, laugh, and celebrate togetherness? Or is everyone at their mobile phones, unable to wait for the meal to be over?
When a family member has a concern, does he readily share it with the family without apprehensions? And do you accept such sharing without judgment? Or if someone has a concern, do they retreat to their world and move away from the family for fear of being judged and reprimanded?
Think about your family’s connections. If you are a parent, a partner, a sibling, or a son or daughter, do not lose time by waiting for the connection to happen. You have to slowly make it happen. Create human, real, person-to-person connection every each chance you have — or create an opportunity. A genuine relationship is something that none of the latest technology or online world can ever replace.
This originally appeared in Family Reborn May 2017, but has since been updated.