The bonds we share with our parents, children, siblings, family members, and close friends went through a rocky phase the past year. The pandemic tested the relationships we have with people we love. With the hope of patching up or smoothing over relationships which suffered from nicks and bumps this season, it would be a good idea to watch out for these factors:
PATTERNS: The pandemic highlighted the patterns we have in a relationship. Whenever conflicts came up in the past, we were not forced to tackle it right away. We could take our time since we were not stuck at home with the people we were in conflict with. We had time to ourselves when we go about our day outside.
PERSONALITIES: We are forced to look into how we tackle issues. Do we do it head-on or do we avoid it? Do we cope with the issue easily or do we sit with our emotions for a prolonged period?
PAIN POINTS: The pandemic showed us our hugot whether it’s the feeling of being taken for granted or the feeling of not being acknowledged or appreciated, among many other possibilities. These issues could have been around for quite some time, but we only noticed them now.
Looking at these three factors in the context of counterproductive and destructive behaviors as observed by John Gottman may give us a fresh perspective regarding our relationships.
#1 BEING CRITICAL: While this can work in the short-term, it is not sustainable. Being consistently critical can make our spouses feel that we are attacking them. “Parang ako lagi ang may kasalanan.” “Parang ako lagi ang mali.” Do these sound familiar? There is a difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint is targeted at a specific issue whereas a criticism is targeted towards the person.
#2 BEING DEFENSIVE: Defensiveness is connected to a person’s self-esteem. Being defensive means covering up something with the self. The difference here is that the negative feelings are projected onto others. Defensive people can make their partners feel as if they are also in the wrong and hardly ever do anything right. The issue is not often about the person being blamed but the person being defensive.
#3 STONEWALLING: This is when a person puts up a wall that prohibits him from dealing with the situation. It’s usually done by people who tend to get overwhelmed. They have trouble figuring out how to act or decide so their tendency is to freeze. When you cry or show heightened emotions in front of these individuals, for instance, they may not able to help because they have trouble coming up with a decision.
#4 CONTEMPT: This the most extreme as contempt denotes anger, frustration, and extreme dissatisfaction. This is when you stop feeding each other’s emotional lives and instead get into each other’s nerves. In the case of couples, one might say, “Naubos na ang respeto ko sa’yo.” This typically happens when there is a failure to resolve cyclical issues. There is also now eye-rolling, belittlement, and the presence of compounded issues.
If you find yourself in any of these scenarios, what can you do?
CHECK: Look into the reality of your family. If any of these are present, look into your patterns, personalities, and pain points so you can actively resolve problems. Check your usual engagements.
CONTINUE BUILDING THE CONNECTION: This is very critical. This is the bond or the emotional deposit that we put in the relationship. If there is a connection, it is easier to work through a problem.
CONVERSE: It easier to speak when there is an established communication.
CORRECTION: This goes back to connection. It would be hard to help our family members improve without the lack of connection. This is why it is so hard to make teenagers follow, it is because there can be a lack of connection between parent and child. — WITH PAU DE VERA