Often, for us parents, it feels like so much is asked but so little is given. If you ever stopped to wonder, “I take care of everyone so who takes care of me?” then you’re probably not alone. The feeling of being exhausted, maxed out, and being at your wit’s end may be emotions that are familiar to many. These feelings do not only apply to biological parents but spiritual parents as well. These are those who fulfill a parent’s role in function.
So parents, what is currently on your plate? From budgeting, planning for the home, down to the menu for your next meal – these are probably a few of the many things that you often find yourself worrying about. Today, I would like to ask you to back up a bit and share some points for reflection. Oftentimes, the way we look at our present concerns is a product of our own upbringing. We need to catch ourselves when these are no longer helpful or healthy. Here are four words that begin with P to guide you through:
PAST: We are a product of our past. I quote, Virginia Satir, my favorite family life expert, who said, “What lingers from the parent’s individual past, unresolved or incomplete, often becomes part of her or his irrational parenting.” We tend to pass on our way of thinking, the same way that our parents likely passed on theirs to ours. This is normal and happens more often than we realize because the way we were brought up becomes our norm. Try to keep in mind that the measure that we’ve had in the past, and way of doing things, even our ideas about different topics may possibly be not applicable to the present day. We need to evolve and adapt according to the current times, and the unique needs of our child. If we insist on what is comfortable, then we risk having history repeat itself. This history may bring more harm than good. Shift your thinking from irrational parenting to intentional parenting.
PURPOSE: Parenting goes beyond carrying a child and bringing him out to the world. Parenting is about raising human beings. Don’t expect the school to do the parenting for you. The school is there to guide, educate, and help your child grow but this does not guarantee a good upbringing. Don’t pass on the responsibility of forming your child’s identity to the school. It should be a partnership. It would work better that way. If the values you instill at home are consistent with the ones being upheld in school, then these are likely to be reinforced. We are raising human beings, not cookies which fit into molds.
POTENTIAL: Virginia Satir is also known for her wise words: “Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of a parent gives the child some message about self-worth. It is sad that so many parents don’t realize what messages they are sending.” As parents, we hold so much power in our hands. We affect our children greatly so we must be cautious about what we are communicating in our words and actions. When I find myself getting cranky, for example, I apologize to my child and ask for some time and space. This enables my child to understand that the way I am acting is not his fault. I am my own person and sometimes, I feel negative emotions. Don’t let your child absorb your negative feelings. Look at your potential to hurt, to give life, and to share the love. In the same way, it is normal for parents to be overflowing in love but let not your world revolve around your child. Otherwise, you might be left with very little to nothing and this will hurt when your children grow and carry on with their own lives.
PERSONS: Remember that you are a human being. You are not a superhero or an indestructible force. You have limits. Build your own person and when you’re feeling burned out, go back to self-care. Who is stopping you anyway? Love yourself and connect with your being. Your emotions might be pointing you to a need that you need to work on and address. At home, remember that you are not a one-man team (although I admire single parents who need to be!). Take care of your marriage so that both of you can also take care of your children.
Don’t think that you are maxed out, or at a disadvantage, or living an unfair life. Know when to draw your boundaries and look after yourself. Parenting is not a simple task, obviously, but strive to consistently care for yourself. Have a healthy sense of self-worth because caring for your own being will also teach your children to do the same. Very similar to the classic plane protocol when flying, it is crucial to wear your own mask first before putting on that of your child’s. We will be unable to give what we don’t have so strive to always be healthy, and be full of love through boundary-setting, know your personal needs and limits, and indulge in self-care so that you will also have more to give your loved ones. – WITH PAU DE VERA
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash